Happy New Year

The A-List

Now that exam season is over, I'm going to gorge myself on tv, movies, and videogames (and, uh, books). Last night, I kicked it off with Live Free or Die Hard, which (surprisingly) was pretty damn good. Bruce Willis is pretty much a one-trick pony, but his one trick continues to work into the beginning of Willis' twilight years, while other over-the-hill actors (notably Sly Stallone) are completely destroying what little credibility they had left by destroying (as old men) the roles that made them famous.

This got me thinking about the way that people rate movies (I myself was wondering whether to give Live Free or Die Hard 3 stars of 4). And I pretty much decided that people are idiots. To demonstrate, let's pretend that actors can be graded just like I (mercilessly) am at law school... In fact:

(1) Take the last 10 movies that the actor appeared in, and check their rankings on IMDB (we need some idiot movie rankers here).
(2) Accord those movies a letter grade based on their ranking. We're working on the law school GPA system -- 8.5 or above (there are only 43 such movies on IMDB) is an A+ (4.3); 8.0 to 8.4 an A (4.0); 7.5 to 7.9 an A- (3.7); 6.5 to 7.4 a B+ (3.3); 6.0 to 6.4 a B (3.0); 5.5 to 5.9 a B- (2.7); 5.0 to 5.4 a C+ (2.3); 4 to 4.9 a C (2.0); 2.5 to 3.9 a D (1.0); and anything below 2.5 an F.
(3) For calculating GPA, give the actor 3 credits for a starring role; 2 credits for a supporting role; and 1 credit for a bit or cameo role. For movies I haven't seen, I'm going by how high or low they are billed in the cast list.

Let's see how it plays out, for example, on Bruce Willis:

Planet Terror (2cr, A); Nancy Drew (1 cr, B-); Live Free or Die Hard (3cr, A-); Perfect Stranger (3cr, C+); Astronaut Farmer (1cr, B+); Fast Food Nation (1cr, B); Over the Hedge (3cr, B+); 16 Blocks (3cr, B+); Lucky Number Slevin (3cr, A-); Alpha Dog (2cr, B+) -- gives him an overall GMA (Good Movie Average) of 3.295. Congratulations, Bruce Willis! You are pretty average! Maybe the rankings on IMDB aren't totally fucked up after all.

Lets see how this plays out for a verifiable movie genius, George Clooney:

Michael Clayton (3cr, A-); Ocean's 13 (3cr, B+) The Good German (3cr, B); Syriana (3cr, B+); Good Night and Good Luck (2cr, A-); Ocean's 12 (3cr, B); Intolerable Cruelty (3cr, B+); Spy Kids 3-D (1cr, C); Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2cr, B+); Solaris (3cr, B). That gives him -- what the fuck, 3.22?

Proving once again that millions of people can be wrong.

Keeping up foreign relations. You know, giving him the bird.

The Bobby Petrino news obviously reminded me of the Nick Saban situation of a couple years ago. I always though Saban got hit a bit too hard in the media for leaving the Dolphins. He did two years there, and when he decided his heart wasn't in it anymore, he left. I understand he wasn't entirely forthcoming/honest with his answers to the media about whether or not he was gonna take the Alabama job, but what exactly was he supposed to say? If he said he was gonna leave, his players wouldn't be willing to fight for him the same way on the field; if he deflected the questions as the media said he should ("Right now I'm the coach of the Dolphins, when the time comes I'll talk about Alabama"), he would have been sending basically the same message.

I know people get the panties all in a bunch when people compare sports to war, but football is the one sport where this analogy works. Football, at its core, is violence, and at its highest level, it demands trust above all else. The coaches are sending the players out there to get beaten up for 60 straight minutes, and this requires that the players are willing to take that pounding for their teammates and their coach. I remember a Dr. Z piece from a couple months ago, talking about a British guy he talked to about American football; the guy said what amazed him the most was the chess game going back and forth between the coaches; how every move set up the next. People talk about quarterbacks being field generals, but in the end, the coaches are the commanders, training camp is like boot camp, and Kellen Winslow is a soldier. You can talk about game-planning all you want, but there's a reason Mike Martz and Norv Turner aren't winning any Super Bowls as head coaches. A truly great team is one on which the players are willing to make any sacrifice for their coach, because they know they're coach has their back.

Now, Nick Saban's was paid by the Dolphins, and as long as he was collecting that check, his number one priority had to be winning, which required having the trust of his players. Being forthcoming with sensitive reporters couldn't even enter into that equation. If his players didn't think he was in it for them, they couldn't be in it for him, not at the level required in the NFL.

What Petrino did, to my mind at least, is blatantly worse. He refused to adjust to coaching in the NFL, treated his players like shit, and then when things got bad enough he didn't just decide that it wasn't for him and that he would move on after the season--he just quit on his team right there (and to make matters worse, took a college job on the same day). He basically condemned his team to losing the final few games; I know there's the possibility that the team might rally in a 'fuck you' to Petrino, but it seems that he did so much damage to the moral of the team and the psyche of his quarterbacks that it won't even matter at this point. The only other argument one can make in defending him is that he was just so awful as a head coach that they'll be immediately better without him; this may be true, but his refusal to adjust as the job demanded (and as everyone knew beforehand he would have to) is just as damning.



And yet somehow, the media coverage so far has been more of the Bobby-being-Bobby flavor--he hates staying in one place for very long, and he wasn't really that good anyways, so oh well--not the he-is-the-worst-rat-scum-piece-of-shit-the-NFL-has-ever-seen treatment of Saban that everyone was beaten over the head with from all angles (admittedly, the story is relatively new, so maybe they just haven't had time to get these stories out; but the Sean Taylor coverage proved once again that the media doesn't need a lot of time to start ripping people).

In other news, Davy Crockett's 5-year-old 10th-great-grandson killed a 400 lb. bear. Now, I realize descending from the King of the Wild Frontier makes you pretty B.A. I loved that movie as a kid. And I know some people love hunting. But seriously, now we're letting five-year-old kids shoot a rifle? AT A GODDAMN 445-POUND FUCKING BEAR? Who the hell are this kid's parents (other than Crocket''s 9th-great-grandson)? I can't wait to move back north.

(By the way, my favorite part of the story? The following quote: "Mike Merritt said tears rolled down his cheeks when he found out his grandson killed the enormous bear." Really, you can't make stuff like that up.)

Goodbye Young Tutor

For a much better attack at an issue we brought up poorly a week or so ago, check out the perennially must-read Free Darko.

BCS v. USNews

As exams and paper deadlines approach, there is only one question on H.R. Paperstacks', a/k/a Coach K Jr., mind: Will Virginia's BCS ranking surpass the law school's U.S. News & World Report ranking? We're sitting at number 14 in the latest BCS standings and number 10 in this years' U.S. News & World Report ranking, making us one of two BCS top-25 teams with a better law school than football program -- the other is Michigan (at BCS 21 and USNews 8), with Southern Cal (at BCS 11 and USNews 16) and Texas (at BCS 13 and USNews 18) both pretty close.

Just think: a victory over Virginia Tech would make our football team better than our law school. Time to step it up incoming 1Ls.

You Know My Steez

We are now less than a year from Election Day '08. To help you distinguish between the candidates (and develop a favorite without actually having to learn anything about their platforms), here's a look at the presidential field and the rapper each candidate is most comparable to:

Rudolph Giuliani/Nas -



New York state of mind. Both living entirely off of one event in the past (9/11; Illmatic), but that was enough to overcome any and all embarrassments that followed. Do especially well in a beef (Hillary; Jay-Z).

Barack Obama/Lupe Fiasco -



Idealistic throwbacks. Arrived to deafening hype; might not have come out on top, but weren’t crushed by it. Continually plagued by questions about whether they bring any substance, but the style is fun enough to overcome most of the doubts. Strong appeal among the college crowd. Maybe not everyone likes them, but no one is gonna attack them either.

John McCain/50 Cent -



Built rep on getting shot. Seemed the heir apparent for a while, but had a bad habit of going after the wrong guys. At this point has been reduced to an afterthought. Thinks you're a wanksta.

Hillary Clinton/Jay-Z -



The Dynasty. The favorite at all times; known to make comebacks just when you thought you were done with them.

Al Gore/Diddy -



No matter what they managed to bring to the table in their respective games, they had no chance of measuring up to the guys that made them famous. Once it was clear it wasn’t gonna happen for them, reinvented themselves and ended up much bigger. Always a threat to make a comeback, but probably better for everyone that they don’t. Industries to themselves.

Dennis Kucinich/Master P -



Been around forever, but you still don’t really know that much about them. Took a couple shots at the throne, to embarrassing results. Impossible to take seriously the entire time.

Bill Richardson/Black Thought -



One of the most impressive resumes in the game, but never given the respect he probably deserves. Too legit to go away, but doubtful that he'll ever really make a serious run at the top.

Mitt Romney/Fabolous -

Known to get results, and look good doing it. Not seen as a serious threat to anyone, however, based mostly a lack of street cred amongst their respective bases.

Fred Thompson/Will Smith -

This may be where they got their starts, but they fared much better as actors. Seem likeable enough, but hard to take seriously when they've always seemed so disinterested and pre-packaged.

Alan Keyes/Jim Jones -

Not without some skills, but nowhere near ready for primetime. An astounding amount of loyalty to those above them (RNC/Cam'ron), who you get the feeling are happy to let them do their dirt without ever planning on rewarding them for it.

Mike Huckabee/Ma$e -



Pretty self-explanatory. Likeable enough, but in the end, too nice for their own good.

Ron Paul/Soulja Boy -



YouTube sensation that made altogether too much money, altogether too quickly. Undoubtedly deluded themselves into believing they had any chance of sticking around, when everyone knows they’ll be gone in a month.

John Edwards/Cam'ron -



Strongest appeal in the Midwest. Took an ill-fated shot at the crown before it was his turn. Probably not a true threat anymore, but shouldn't be underestimated.

Tom Tancredo/Benzino



Entered a battle that was completely out of his league. Came out swinging, but ended up just pissing everybody off. Even at the time, impossible to justify.

Joe Biden/Joe Budden -



I'm lazy.

Chris Dodd/Joe Budden



Seriously, if you can tell him and Biden apart, we salute you.

Mike Gravel/The Sugarhill Gang -



Probably still wishing it was the 1970's.

Duncan Hunter/B.G.



Long, undistinguished career marked by rarely bothering to show up. Even when they did, never brought anything new to the table. Really, at this point why bother?

As for us? As much as we loved Food & Liquor, we'll be giving our endorsement to the first candidate who loves this country enough to man up and break out the Grizzly Adams. It's what this country needs.

The PILA Achtung

PILA may be above criticism for most people, but not for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a The Apple Snail. Sure they "give" money (over $215,000 in 2007) for students to work in public interest work during the summer -- for those students willing to "volunteer" 20 hours or more to PILA the next year. And who can argue that their auction is the best $30 you'll ever spend "for the privilege of paying exorbitant sums for watered down drinks." I know they stand for a great cause, and the world certainly needs people willing to forgo a six-figure income to fight for the less fortunate, but sometimes they need to be taken down a peg or two.

Who Wants A Moustache Ride?

Interviews are over, exams are coming up (and with them exam beards) and the other day I was walking down the hall and heard some kids planning a "No-Shave November." It seems like a perfect time for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a Rollie Fingers, to give all those aspiring 'stache artists a short lesson in facial hair.

The Pope
Also known as "The Walrus." The Pope lets people know that you are (1) large and (2) in charge. No seriously, in order to pull this thing off you have to weigh at least 220 pounds and you should probably be a warden, police officer, or bail bondsman. Works best if you have grey or white hair. This one is near and dear to me, since my dad has been sporting this look since the '70s.

The Super Mario
The moustache we all grew up loving, unless you grew up loving a hairless blue hedgehog, in which case I suggest you stop reading this blog, permanently. (Note: Do not stop reading this blog). You are only allowed to grow this if you (a) are Italian, (b) are Japanese (Mario's real homeland), or (c) have an extensive collection of red shirts and blue overalls in your wardrobe.

The Black Jesus
Everyone knows what White Jesus looks like, so there's no need to put a picture up and describe his beard. If you want to grow out the White Jesus Beard, I'm not here to stop you. But everyone knows that Jesus isn't white -- don't let Mel Gibson tell you otherwise -- so I'm putting up this picture for anyone who wants to look like the real Jesus. Apparently to be like the real Jesus you also have to have dreds and be ripped. This is a three-part look, so start prepping now.

The Octopus
You are probably wondering why this guy has only six "tentacles" on his beard instead of the eight required for a full-blown octopus. For your information, this old British guy lost two of the tentacles during World War II fighting the Krauts for the very freedom to have a moustache that you and I enjoy today. For shame. I recommend that all of our Army readers out there grow this moustache immediately to (1) scare the bejesus out of the terrorists and (2) to honor the memory of this old superpatriot.

The Cat Stevens
Also known as "The Yusef Islam," "The Richard Reid," "The Charles Manson," "The Matisyahu," "The Scorcese on Coke," "The Late John Lennon," "The Chewbacca," "Robin Williams' Knuckles" and "The Vagina Face." It is facial hair like this that shows that the terrorists have already won... the awesome facial hair contest. I was very sad to see them win it, but there isn't much I can do unless someone else steps up to the plate...

The Grizzly Adams
USA! USA! You didn't think I'd let the terrorists win. If you can pull this off, you are pretty much obligated to do so for the rest of us, and by "us" I mean "the US." You might want to stop shaving now, because it is going to take a long goddamn time to get there. The Grizzly Adams lets people know that you are the fucking man. If I saw you walking towards me, I would have to go to the other side of the street -- that would be just too much testosterone for the sidewalk. Take that terrorist scum.

Do You See How My Mind Works? It's Like A Laser!

A Fly Moses has been holding it down, but he told me that the people were clamoring for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a The Easy Rider, so here I am. You may have become accustomed to cogent posts such as the one comparing the two greatest quarterbacks of our generation (unless you are old as fuck, which means you aren't part of my generation and you probably haven't read the post anyway because you've misplaced your reading glasses). Well, that's not how my posts are going to go down. You see that Willy Wonka movie? I'm talking about the semi-creepy Gene Wilder version from the '70s, not the extremely creepy Jonny Depp version. Me too. I liked it. Here's something else you might like:

I love Aqua Teen Hunger Force, even though the makers of the show have decided to alienate its fans by refusing to air a single new episode in 2007. Why do television shows do this? The geniuses behind The Wire were able to create the single greatest show in the history of television, but also decided not to air any new episodes between December 2006 and January 2008. I know greatness takes time, and at least I've been able to enjoy the return of The Boondocks and the tour de force that is Flight of the Conchords in the meantime, but you just cannot justify taking an entire year off. At any rate, I can forgive these indiscretions, but what I can't abide is the fact that first video game from the Aqua Teen franchise is only coming out for a defunct piece of shit system that I don't own.


Now I respect making a "hybrid kart-racing/fighting/golf game that takes place on some of New Jersey's golf courses." In fact, from the trailer, it looks like a game that I would really enjoy playing, a la Big Bumpin' (which is actually one of the most fun games for the original Xbox). I also respect the brilliant title. Anything with "Zombie" or "Ninja" superfluously in the title is probably going to be great. But only making the game for the PS2? Fuck that. I'm boycotting this franchise -- at least through the rest of 2007.

That's When Motherfuckers Accidentally Get Shot

The debate about the relative merits of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady is played out, and there's probably not too much that we can add to it. It's also been obscured by the Patriots' development into arguably the most unlikeable team in modern sports. Not only did the media bend the definition of the term "dynasty" to accommodate a team that didn't even make the playoffs in 02-03, and not only was it shoved down our throats how they won "the right way," but in the aftermath of CameraGate, they somehow decided that it was the fault of the rest of the league; since the league didn't apologize to them, it was their personal mission to embarrass it (and although it's a different subject, it's no answer to say "you play for 60 minutes," when you're throwing on 4th-and-2 from the 37 yard line, up 45-0 with 7 minutes left in the game). But, digressing, we ain't ones to let the score speak for itself, so to the point:

Peyton Manning is aristocracy. His destiny was pre-determined for him; it's no accident that the networks actually managed to find footage of him playing football at age 3. He's the trust-fund-baby; establishment all the way. Compare this with Brady, an unheralded 6th-round pick out of Michigan, a bench-warmer who got his shot and made the most out of it. He's the little engine that could; the bedtime story you tell your child letting him know he can be whatever he wants. He's the frontier spirit embodied, in the American sport. Baseball is the pasttime, but football is the present. Baseball is Buddy Holly; football is Soulja Boy.



And this is what makes their careers so fascinating, especially the last few seasons. Brady, for all the we're-a-team-not-individuals-publicity the Patriots receive, is Hollywood, on and off the field. He's got the celebrity baby's-momma, the Gap ads, the supermodel girlfriend, and no matter what he says to try and dispel that image, the picture gives it away. And that's what he is on the field. He stands in the pocket for months at a time, cool, breeze. His spiral is tighter than Omar Little is with his shotgun. He makes everything look N'awlins (which it can be, when Randy Moss spends his Sundays telling Sir Isaac Newton where to shove his theories). And when he takes his helmet off on the sideline, he looks 10 seconds away from a photo shoot. He's Snoop/Dre G-Funk, lowriding his way to the record book.



For all his commercials (and even those are almost invariably of the goofy, common-man variety), Manning's game is anti-Hollywood. Nothing he does is smooth, and his game is as much intellectual as physical; he's Def Jux meets Gang Starr. He's got the happiest feet in the pocket this side of your DVD player, his passes wobble; nothing about his game, physically, looks like the prince of the league that he was born to be. He's got the arm strength, but he ain't no Jeff George. The signature of him on the sideline is the helmet-imprint on his forehead.

And this, really, is the reason that Manning is the alpha dog in the NFL, why he's all over your TV while Brady just stops by on Sundays. Manning's game has rejected his status as the favored son and made his name itself. We're talking Prince Akeem-leaving-Zamunda-for-Lisa McDowell, and if you ain't on the train, then George Bush will fucking bomb you. The two best facets of his game are beyond the physical: the way he out-mentals the defense pre-snap, and his absolutely uncanny feel for moving just enough in the pocket to avoid the blitz. These are skills he developed through perseverance, nothing natural and unearned. He's become the bedtime story, the folklore of the New American Dream. And when Brady makes it look so effortless, he's letting us all know that we ain't him, and we ain't never gonna be him. Gisele's probably not that into you, anyway.