Who Wants A Moustache Ride?

Interviews are over, exams are coming up (and with them exam beards) and the other day I was walking down the hall and heard some kids planning a "No-Shave November." It seems like a perfect time for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a Rollie Fingers, to give all those aspiring 'stache artists a short lesson in facial hair.

The Pope
Also known as "The Walrus." The Pope lets people know that you are (1) large and (2) in charge. No seriously, in order to pull this thing off you have to weigh at least 220 pounds and you should probably be a warden, police officer, or bail bondsman. Works best if you have grey or white hair. This one is near and dear to me, since my dad has been sporting this look since the '70s.

The Super Mario
The moustache we all grew up loving, unless you grew up loving a hairless blue hedgehog, in which case I suggest you stop reading this blog, permanently. (Note: Do not stop reading this blog). You are only allowed to grow this if you (a) are Italian, (b) are Japanese (Mario's real homeland), or (c) have an extensive collection of red shirts and blue overalls in your wardrobe.

The Black Jesus
Everyone knows what White Jesus looks like, so there's no need to put a picture up and describe his beard. If you want to grow out the White Jesus Beard, I'm not here to stop you. But everyone knows that Jesus isn't white -- don't let Mel Gibson tell you otherwise -- so I'm putting up this picture for anyone who wants to look like the real Jesus. Apparently to be like the real Jesus you also have to have dreds and be ripped. This is a three-part look, so start prepping now.

The Octopus
You are probably wondering why this guy has only six "tentacles" on his beard instead of the eight required for a full-blown octopus. For your information, this old British guy lost two of the tentacles during World War II fighting the Krauts for the very freedom to have a moustache that you and I enjoy today. For shame. I recommend that all of our Army readers out there grow this moustache immediately to (1) scare the bejesus out of the terrorists and (2) to honor the memory of this old superpatriot.

The Cat Stevens
Also known as "The Yusef Islam," "The Richard Reid," "The Charles Manson," "The Matisyahu," "The Scorcese on Coke," "The Late John Lennon," "The Chewbacca," "Robin Williams' Knuckles" and "The Vagina Face." It is facial hair like this that shows that the terrorists have already won... the awesome facial hair contest. I was very sad to see them win it, but there isn't much I can do unless someone else steps up to the plate...

The Grizzly Adams
USA! USA! You didn't think I'd let the terrorists win. If you can pull this off, you are pretty much obligated to do so for the rest of us, and by "us" I mean "the US." You might want to stop shaving now, because it is going to take a long goddamn time to get there. The Grizzly Adams lets people know that you are the fucking man. If I saw you walking towards me, I would have to go to the other side of the street -- that would be just too much testosterone for the sidewalk. Take that terrorist scum.