NFL Rivalry Week: Make It Happen

I’m a recent convert to caring about college football (I finally go to a school that has/live in a state with a I-A team!), and one of the things I like the most about it is the rivalry game. One weekend a year you have teams playing their rivals for some goofy trophy. And everyone in the stands gets blasted for it. Why can’t we have this in the NFL?

We should make it the last week of the season for a couple of reasons. First, it means teams won’t rest their starters on the last week, meaning there’s a fairer fight for final playoff spots. Say the Jets are 9-6 and the Ravens are 8-7 and battling for the last wildcard spot. There’s no way Belicheck is resting his starters, giving the Jets an unfair advantage over the Ravens.

Second, it’s good for the fans of crummy teams. Say the Bengals are 6-9 and out of playoff contention. But if they beat the Browns in Rivalry Week the fans can always take solace in that. The downside is that coaches who deserve to be canned, like Mike Nolan, might stick around if they beat their rivals.

Here are my 16 proposed rivalry games:

The Yankee Cup: Patriots v. Jets

Winner gets possession of the parts of Connecticut not on the Giants bandwagon. There’s enough bad blood here to keep this one feisty for years.

The Snowbird Cup: Bills v. Dolphins

It’s the leftovers of the AFC East! Hey, at least this way the Dolphins have to go up to Buffalo in December every other year until the Bills move to a domed stadium in Toronto in 2012. Lake Ontario ≠ Biscayne Bay

The Paul Brown Cup: Browns v. Bengals

Winner gets to re-inter Paul Brown in the cemetery of its choosing every year. And if Ohio State loses to Michigan then two of the four Dead Schembechlers will have one football win to hang their hats on.

The Heavy Industry Cup: Steelers v. Ravens

And after the game Steely McBeam can meet up with Commissioner Rawls at a discreet gay bar of their choosing. Keep reaching for that rainbow!

The Bud Adams Cup: Texans v. Titans

I’m a sucker for relocation-related bowl games. Hey, the Texans owner made a big stink about joining the AFC because the Oilers’ old rivals were all in the AFC, forcing the Seahawks to switch conferences. Well, here you go, billionaire jerk.

The Podunk Cup: Colts v. Jaguars

I mean, do you even know anyone from either Indianapolis or Jacksonville? They call them India-no-place and Cowtown for a reason. How do these places have teams while L.A. doesn’t?

The Hollywood Cup: Raiders v. Chargers

The NFL could try to get celebrities to drag themselves to either San Diego (shouldn’t be too hard) or Oakland (possibly difficult, unless they’re Bubb Rubb fans) for this game. I mean, the NBA has Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee, baseball has Stephen King and Jerry Seinfeld, who does the NFL have? Terry Crews?

The Ethanol Cup: Broncos v. Chiefs

Television sets across Kansas, from Garden City to Overland Park, will be tuned into this one every year in December/January. It’s the battle for the soul of Kansas, so presumably the team coached by a Democrat will lose. And instead of the national anthem, they could play “Carry on My Wayward Son” before every game.

The Turnpike Cup: Giants v. Eagles

Of all the games, I worry most about this one. I mean, the fans are already pretty excited/liquored up for Eagles-Giants games; someone might get murdered in the stands at one of these. Winner gets a year supply of Aquanet.

The Oilman Cup: Cowboys v. Redskins

Their lobbyists are in D.C. and their money’s in Texas. So the name makes sense. I hope the trophy is a replica of an oil derrick; that would look cool.

The Ice Cup: Bears v. Lions

Dr. Z could bust out some Knute Rockne/Bronko Nagurski memories for this one. I’m a young guy so I gotta ask; have other elderly sportswriters declined into irrelevance like Zimmerman? Do they even bother editing his columns any more?

The Bratwurst Cup: Packers v. Vikings

Or you could call it the Hilarious Accent Cup. Wherever it’s played, I imagine this game will involve a lot of fat people drinking beer and eating grilled, processed meats at the tailgate.

The Dixie Cup: Panthers v. Falcons

I mean, I had to make one of these the Dixie Cup, didn’t I? But you worry that this game runs the highest risk of being overshadowed by a college football bowl.

The Smuggler Cup: Saints v. Bucs

During the Hugh Culverhouse Era this game would have consistently determined who got the top overall pick. But this year it would merely spark a story about how the 5-10 Saints were right on the brink of turning things around.

The Alt Rock Cup: Seahawks v. 49ers

Winner gets music scene bragging rights for the upcoming year. It’ll be the only football game where Pitchfork gets a press pass. This is also the rivalry game most likely to be cancelled due to fog.

The Gateway Cup: Rams v. Cardinals

Neighbor turns against neighbor from Jefferson City to Mattoon for this one. Do they root for their boyhood loves or the team that finally brought St. Louis glory? Will Leitch could glog this game every year.

So there you have it. If anyone out there knows Peter King, let him know of my idea. He could put in a good word for me with The Rog.