Sunday, November 11, 2007

You Know My Steez

We are now less than a year from Election Day '08. To help you distinguish between the candidates (and develop a favorite without actually having to learn anything about their platforms), here's a look at the presidential field and the rapper each candidate is most comparable to:

Rudolph Giuliani/Nas -

New York state of mind. Both living entirely off of one event in the past (9/11; Illmatic), but that was enough to overcome any and all embarrassments that followed. Do especially well in a beef (Hillary; Jay-Z).

Barack Obama/Lupe Fiasco -

Idealistic throwbacks. Arrived to deafening hype; might not have come out on top, but weren’t crushed by it. Continually plagued by questions about whether they bring any substance, but the style is fun enough to overcome most of the doubts. Strong appeal among the college crowd. Maybe not everyone likes them, but no one is gonna attack them either.

John McCain/50 Cent -

Built rep on getting shot. Seemed the heir apparent for a while, but had a bad habit of going after the wrong guys. At this point has been reduced to an afterthought. Thinks you're a wanksta.

Hillary Clinton/Jay-Z -

The Dynasty. The favorite at all times; known to make comebacks just when you thought you were done with them.

Al Gore/Diddy -

No matter what they managed to bring to the table in their respective games, they had no chance of measuring up to the guys that made them famous. Once it was clear it wasn’t gonna happen for them, reinvented themselves and ended up much bigger. Always a threat to make a comeback, but probably better for everyone that they don’t. Industries to themselves.

Dennis Kucinich/Master P -

Been around forever, but you still don’t really know that much about them. Took a couple shots at the throne, to embarrassing results. Impossible to take seriously the entire time.

Bill Richardson/Black Thought -

One of the most impressive resumes in the game, but never given the respect he probably deserves. Too legit to go away, but doubtful that he'll ever really make a serious run at the top.

Mitt Romney/Fabolous -

Known to get results, and look good doing it. Not seen as a serious threat to anyone, however, based mostly a lack of street cred amongst their respective bases.

Fred Thompson/Will Smith -

This may be where they got their starts, but they fared much better as actors. Seem likeable enough, but hard to take seriously when they've always seemed so disinterested and pre-packaged.

Alan Keyes/Jim Jones -

Not without some skills, but nowhere near ready for primetime. An astounding amount of loyalty to those above them (RNC/Cam'ron), who you get the feeling are happy to let them do their dirt without ever planning on rewarding them for it.

Mike Huckabee/Ma$e -

Pretty self-explanatory. Likeable enough, but in the end, too nice for their own good.

Ron Paul/Soulja Boy -

YouTube sensation that made altogether too much money, altogether too quickly. Undoubtedly deluded themselves into believing they had any chance of sticking around, when everyone knows they’ll be gone in a month.

John Edwards/Cam'ron -

Strongest appeal in the Midwest. Took an ill-fated shot at the crown before it was his turn. Probably not a true threat anymore, but shouldn't be underestimated.

Tom Tancredo/Benzino

Entered a battle that was completely out of his league. Came out swinging, but ended up just pissing everybody off. Even at the time, impossible to justify.

Joe Biden/Joe Budden -

I'm lazy.

Chris Dodd/Joe Budden

Seriously, if you can tell him and Biden apart, we salute you.

Mike Gravel/The Sugarhill Gang -

Probably still wishing it was the 1970's.

Duncan Hunter/B.G.

Long, undistinguished career marked by rarely bothering to show up. Even when they did, never brought anything new to the table. Really, at this point why bother?

As for us? As much as we loved Food & Liquor, we'll be giving our endorsement to the first candidate who loves this country enough to man up and break out the Grizzly Adams. It's what this country needs.


Seth D. said...

Strikingly accurate!

Anonymous said...

No joke... this is probably the BEST of the comparison scenarios I have seen since campaigning started!

Jas said...

Hmmm...slightly humorous at best. Honestly, I grew tired after Gore.

And, how is it that you ran outta gas at Biden, the man who has been a part of EVERY presidential race that I can ever recall??! You missed a great opportunity there.

"...lazy..." indeed...

Jason Kirk said...

I think you should use the phrases "shot at the crown" and "take seriously" more

Ray Ray said...

One more comparison:

Watching Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth"; Reading these comparisons.

Interesting at first, makes you want to keep going, but in the end - boring - and you wish you hadn't. Basically, there's more relevant things to do

Anonymous said...

Cheney 2008!
OBL is pissin in his diabetic diaper!
Oh yeah baby!

Anonymous said...

i like this blog

coach diesel said...

Scary accurate but...
How could you forget ODB/Big Baby Jesus?

Steve said...

Some of these are dead on, and I love it! Forget the haters, haha! I mean, Ron Paul = Soulja Boy?? Perfect! Can't wait to stop hearing about both (which should be any day), and I'm really tired of people doing that stupid dance during every Ron Paul speech...