I Like It, I Love It: Week 3.

There have been a lot of shitty gimmicks in MNF history, especially after ESPN took over. But Tim McGraw’s “I Like it, I Love it” schtick wasn’t bad. Not only does Tim have, quite possibly, the coolest father ever, but it was enjoyable if not a little goofy. But they axed it after only a year. What gives? Not enough synergy? McGraw sign a deal with Fox? Anyway, since everybody and their mom and Will Leitch does power rankings I’ll be wrapping up the NFL week by rewriting “I Like it, I Love it” every week. Now, if I only knew a guy who could sing a decent Tim McGraw impersonation and put together a package of video clips, I’d be in business. But for now, you gotta pretend.

Ronnie Brown ran through the Pats
On their home field
The Panthers found the hard way
That Frerotte’s for real
Eli led Big Blue on a game winning drive
The Skins notched a W as Moss juked and jived
A last second figgie put the Bills at three and o
Felix showed his moves in a ‘Boys win at Lambeau

[Chorus]

Mike Turner got three touchdowns
As the Falcons beat the Chiefs
It was a Pennsylvania battle
And Big Ben got no relief
The Jags beat the Colts for a much needed win
In Cleveland they’re all screaming for Brady Quinn
The Broncos won a shootout on a kick that went wide right
Griese showed his old team that he could throw all night

[Chorus]

SOL teams: Seahawks, 49ers. Win interesting games, will ya?

Don't Let Yourself Go

The Osi Umenyiora injury is sinking in, and that means Giants fans have to be talked off the ledge. Let Michael Stipe soothe your pain, fellow Giants fans. We can still chant 18-1 at Yankees-Sox games.

Thoughts From the Celtics Comeback

That game took too much out of me to come up with any coherent essay, but this game deserves a couple quick comments:

-I can't remember seeing better team defense, ever, than what the Celtics did in the last 20 minutes or so. The Lakers didn't get any open jumpers, the Celtics stayed on their feet on pump fakes; Kobe got to the basket a few times, but everything else was a hand right in the face. Absolutely nothing other than their defense should be given credit (or blame, on the Lakers' side) for this win other than Boston's defense.

-My favorite moment of the game was that on the final Lakers possession (excluding the final 3 seconds): when the Celtics needed to deny Kobe the ball, they took Pierce off of him and put KG on. This is everything that I used to love about KG, which kind of got lost when he went complementary-style on the Celtics. But even in his older years, he's still the only 7-footer I can ever remember seeing that can guard guard all five positions on the floor, man-to-man, at a championship level.

-Phil Jackson might be my favorite press-conference coach ever. He just blew a 24-point lead, and yet he's being helpful, friendly, accommodating, and all other such synonyms. I can't even imagine someone like Popovich here. Maybe he's just trying to instill an upbeat/non-depressed attitude on his team by example, but it's still refreshing. Also loved when he said that he was worried at halftime that Kobe hadn't hit a shot, because everyone on the Lakers knew Kobe was gonna come out trying to get his. Matching up with his attitude otherwise, this was some serious passive-aggressive shit. And again, I'd say that maybe this is some of his subtle zen-tricks or whatever, but given that he just got blatantly out-coached by Doc Rivers...

-Two things are gonna be obscured by the second half (and lord knows I'm loathe to give the Lakers credit): (1) The Lakers were absolutely fantastic in that first half. Obviously they shot well, but that was the best team passing, from everyone on the floor, that I've seen since the Kings' heyday (too soon?); (2) Kobe may end up taking a lot of shit for only getting 6 field goals in that game, but the Lakers were at their best when he wasn't shooting (which, of course, makes Phil's "Kobe's gonna come out gunning" comment so awesome. Really, this can't be overstated.).

-I've always said Doc got way too little credit for getting this team (which, outside of Pierce, is comprised entirely of new or young/unproven players) together as quickly as he did; but, I also thought he was a terrible in-game coach. Well, after watching that game (and comebacks like this can probably be credited to coaches more than any other type of victory) and a remarkably coherent post-game presser, I might have to change my tune on that one.

-And finally, how can anyone go from this game, which included the first team to ever come back from a 21-point first quarter deficit (or an 18-point first half deficit--I can't decide which is more impressive), and then start throwing out the "no team has ever come back from a 3-1 deficit in the NBA finals" stat? Really, I know it's an impressive stat, but you really expect Paul Pierce to think that no-one's-ever-done-it matters?

It's Wedding Season!

Weddings are supposed to be fun. The bride gets to treat her best friends like crap for months because it's supposed to be her special day. The groom gets to be the butt of hundreds of ball and chain jokes from his still blissfully single friends. But all those friends (maybe just the male ones) are betrayed when someone schedules a wedding during a big game. In order to avoid such a conflict, here is Bobby Big Wheel's guide to scheduling your wedding.

Football Season (September-Early February):

This time period includes the baseball playoffs and both college and pro football’s entire seasons. Stay away from it at all costs. Especially the October World Series/football clusterfuck. Your friends might not come. If they do come, one will bring a portable TV of some sort and they won’t be focused on hooking up with your wife’s relatives. Which isn’t good for anyone

Conference/NCAA Tournaments (March-Early April):

True story: my sister’s Bat Mitzvah reception took place during the UConn-Ohio State national semifinal. Of course, my parents brought a TV for interested parties to watch. UConn Territory, baby! But perhaps your wife isn’t as understanding. So stay away from March and early April. Even non-diehard sports fans will appreciate it because everyone’s got a bracket. This also covers Opening Day if there are any baseball purists younger than 60 still out there.

NBA Playoffs (May-Mid June):

You probably don’t have to worry about the opening rounds, but maybe avoid late April in case there’s a Dallas-Golden State scenario. Those games were amazing to watch. But you definitely want to avoid having your nuptials during the later rounds. Imagine if you’d had it during last year’s LeBron breakout game. And if you’re getting married in Canada or Minnesota, this covers the NHL playoffs too. I think.

World Cup (June-July, every four years):

Yeah, Americans don’t care about soccer, but they still love the World Cup. It’s easy for us to get caught up in the hoopla. And fans of the Cup are more likely to be young (your friends). And what if the U.S. team advances deep again? You don’t want to miss that.

Summer Olympics (August, every four years):

Again, normally you don’t give a fuck about the decathalon or swimming but the hype machine at NBC revs up and you’re glued to your TV for a few days. Odds are your wedding wouldn’t go up against anything too momentous but you probably don’t want to risk it. I didn’t include the Winter Olympics because the only event people care about any more is figure skating. Let your wife worry about that one. Hockey doesn’t matter any more now that we don’t have amateurs and there can’t be a Miracle On Ice again.

So what’s left? In most years, you can use a good portion of the summer, but summer weddings can be a sweaty drag. For the sports fan, the best time to get married is mid-February or mid-April. That’s factoring in a week-long honeymoon. You don’t want to end up like that douchebag in the commercial watching TV on a horse.

NFL Rivalry Week: Make It Happen

I’m a recent convert to caring about college football (I finally go to a school that has/live in a state with a I-A team!), and one of the things I like the most about it is the rivalry game. One weekend a year you have teams playing their rivals for some goofy trophy. And everyone in the stands gets blasted for it. Why can’t we have this in the NFL?

We should make it the last week of the season for a couple of reasons. First, it means teams won’t rest their starters on the last week, meaning there’s a fairer fight for final playoff spots. Say the Jets are 9-6 and the Ravens are 8-7 and battling for the last wildcard spot. There’s no way Belicheck is resting his starters, giving the Jets an unfair advantage over the Ravens.

Second, it’s good for the fans of crummy teams. Say the Bengals are 6-9 and out of playoff contention. But if they beat the Browns in Rivalry Week the fans can always take solace in that. The downside is that coaches who deserve to be canned, like Mike Nolan, might stick around if they beat their rivals.

Here are my 16 proposed rivalry games:

The Yankee Cup: Patriots v. Jets

Winner gets possession of the parts of Connecticut not on the Giants bandwagon. There’s enough bad blood here to keep this one feisty for years.

The Snowbird Cup: Bills v. Dolphins

It’s the leftovers of the AFC East! Hey, at least this way the Dolphins have to go up to Buffalo in December every other year until the Bills move to a domed stadium in Toronto in 2012. Lake Ontario ≠ Biscayne Bay

The Paul Brown Cup: Browns v. Bengals

Winner gets to re-inter Paul Brown in the cemetery of its choosing every year. And if Ohio State loses to Michigan then two of the four Dead Schembechlers will have one football win to hang their hats on.

The Heavy Industry Cup: Steelers v. Ravens

And after the game Steely McBeam can meet up with Commissioner Rawls at a discreet gay bar of their choosing. Keep reaching for that rainbow!

The Bud Adams Cup: Texans v. Titans

I’m a sucker for relocation-related bowl games. Hey, the Texans owner made a big stink about joining the AFC because the Oilers’ old rivals were all in the AFC, forcing the Seahawks to switch conferences. Well, here you go, billionaire jerk.

The Podunk Cup: Colts v. Jaguars

I mean, do you even know anyone from either Indianapolis or Jacksonville? They call them India-no-place and Cowtown for a reason. How do these places have teams while L.A. doesn’t?

The Hollywood Cup: Raiders v. Chargers

The NFL could try to get celebrities to drag themselves to either San Diego (shouldn’t be too hard) or Oakland (possibly difficult, unless they’re Bubb Rubb fans) for this game. I mean, the NBA has Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee, baseball has Stephen King and Jerry Seinfeld, who does the NFL have? Terry Crews?

The Ethanol Cup: Broncos v. Chiefs

Television sets across Kansas, from Garden City to Overland Park, will be tuned into this one every year in December/January. It’s the battle for the soul of Kansas, so presumably the team coached by a Democrat will lose. And instead of the national anthem, they could play “Carry on My Wayward Son” before every game.

The Turnpike Cup: Giants v. Eagles

Of all the games, I worry most about this one. I mean, the fans are already pretty excited/liquored up for Eagles-Giants games; someone might get murdered in the stands at one of these. Winner gets a year supply of Aquanet.

The Oilman Cup: Cowboys v. Redskins

Their lobbyists are in D.C. and their money’s in Texas. So the name makes sense. I hope the trophy is a replica of an oil derrick; that would look cool.

The Ice Cup: Bears v. Lions

Dr. Z could bust out some Knute Rockne/Bronko Nagurski memories for this one. I’m a young guy so I gotta ask; have other elderly sportswriters declined into irrelevance like Zimmerman? Do they even bother editing his columns any more?

The Bratwurst Cup: Packers v. Vikings

Or you could call it the Hilarious Accent Cup. Wherever it’s played, I imagine this game will involve a lot of fat people drinking beer and eating grilled, processed meats at the tailgate.

The Dixie Cup: Panthers v. Falcons

I mean, I had to make one of these the Dixie Cup, didn’t I? But you worry that this game runs the highest risk of being overshadowed by a college football bowl.

The Smuggler Cup: Saints v. Bucs

During the Hugh Culverhouse Era this game would have consistently determined who got the top overall pick. But this year it would merely spark a story about how the 5-10 Saints were right on the brink of turning things around.

The Alt Rock Cup: Seahawks v. 49ers

Winner gets music scene bragging rights for the upcoming year. It’ll be the only football game where Pitchfork gets a press pass. This is also the rivalry game most likely to be cancelled due to fog.

The Gateway Cup: Rams v. Cardinals

Neighbor turns against neighbor from Jefferson City to Mattoon for this one. Do they root for their boyhood loves or the team that finally brought St. Louis glory? Will Leitch could glog this game every year.

So there you have it. If anyone out there knows Peter King, let him know of my idea. He could put in a good word for me with The Rog.

Greatest. Video. Ever

Okay, maybe an overstatement (Bubbrubb, I got you), but this is absolutely fantastic. Turn on the sound, and then I double-dog dare you not to laugh.

Back Then Ho's Didn't Want Me; Now I'm Hot, Ho's All On Me

You can probably tell from the machine gun-fire pace of the posts on this site that we tirelessly scour the internet to bring you the most important and incisive news and issues. It should thus come as no surprise that we were first to stumble upon this, hidden inside a story about a young Stephon Marbury and the smell of either weed or sex, depending on your Starbury-vice predilections.

Feb Club done gone nationals! Suck on that, ATL posters!

LeBron, Updated

The reason that Kobe is almost guaranteed the MVP at this point is the popular wisdom that he's the best player in the league; since he's been the best player in the league for years, and for each of them he was denied the MVP because of team performance, there's no way he can be denied when his team has the best record in the West. And I'll admit, the logic here is appealing. Except, Kobe's not the best player in the game. In every statistical category (save 3P% and FT%), LeBron is equal or noticeably better. This is even more pronounced when the game is on the line. And all next-gen stats have LeBron well above Kobe. So, why does everyone still think Kobe is better?

There are two main reasons. First (and this seems to be, at least partly, what Ric Bucher is getting at in his recent appearance on Bill Simmons's podcast) is that he so clearly has the potential to be the greatest player ever, that anything less than that is a disappointment. Obviously, this is an absurd argument.

Second, and more important, is that the way in which LeBron is dominating is just so new that nobody quite knows what to make of it. His game isn't as refined as it might be; he doesn't have the consistent shot from 18+, like a Kobe does, and yet he still shoots a higher percentage from the floor. He pretty much relies on his power and ability to get to the rim (his three-point shot is coming around, but still is hardly a deadly weapon). And up until now, this is just not enough to be a great player.

Up until now, a player that relies on getting to the rim can be stopped; he can be double-teamed or the whole defense can collapse; either way, he can be forced to pass or take a jump shot. This is why every important game winner up until now has been a jumper. At the beginning of LeBron's career, this threat would be enough to force him to pass to the open man when the defense collapsed, after the inevitable Donyell Marshall/etc wide-open miss, he would get criticized for not taking the big shot himself. After that, he settled for the jumper; sometimes he would hit (e.g. over Kobe the last time they met this year), sometime he would miss. Now, however, he has realized that he absolutely cannot be stopped going to the rim.

Best as I can tell, this just seems cheaper to people. We're so used to seeing jumpers a la Jordan's more famous shots, we assume that if you're not taking them, it's because you're not good enough to. Lay-ups seem to take less skill. But really, this is completely backwards. Jordan took jumpers not because his shot was better from 18 feet than it was on a lay-up, but rather because the defense could take the lay-up away.

More importantly, if you can get the lay-up, it's far more high-percentage than a jumper. When Bucher and others say that Bryant is a better player because his game is more well-rounded, they're missing the point. Why is it more impressive to have a better mid-range game if you end up shooting a lower percentage? Clearly, the whole point of having that as a weapon is that, when the defense takes the drive away from you, you can just pull up and bang a shot anyways. But a mid-range shot is only as important as its necessity. If the defense can't take the drive away, it's merely a luxury. And, as the clutch-time stats indicate (as do the overall stats), LeBron is better, even with his "less-well-rounded" game, than Kobe is.

The Lebron James-for-MVP Post.

Over at Sports Illustrated, Marty "Let the Motherfucker" Burns has his MVP contenders list out (note: I know he put this article out two weeks ago; I've been busy). He, as with the majority of the television analysts I've seen, lists Kobe as the front-runner. I can appreciate what he's done on the court, and how he's gone from horrible teammate to a not-bad teammate (which, when used as an absolute positive for his candidacy, is the greatest use of lowered expectations since...). But, Burns's thesis is, in a word, insane.

As a jump-off point, there are 5 legitimate, mainstream candidates for MVP: Kobe, Lebron, KG, Chris Paul, and maybe Dwight Howard (I do agree w/ Burns here). You theoretically could throw Manu in there too, on the theory that he's playing the best of anyone on the Spurs, who are still the mode pick to win the championship; but, no sixth-man is ever gonna win, so nevermind. KG, one of my favorite players of all time, has missed too many games and has seen his numbers drop too much to really have a shot at the award (although, clearly, he brings the leadership and team defense as well as anyone). Dwight Howard is dominant, but the Magic simply aren't anywhere near good enough considering the quality of his teammates.

So, we're looking at a three-man race. Leaving Paul aside, who's still mostly a wild card, there are the popular-wisdom two best players in the league: Kobe and LeBron. And really, this isn't even a debate. To the numbers: Kobe's going for 28.2-6.1-5.3, LeBron's getting 30.8-8.1-7.4. Better across the board (in fact, at least 2 better in each category). James also plays more minutes and shoots a better percentage, while turning it over slightly less. Further, statistician-extraordinaire John Hollinger has James leading the league in PER at 30.56, with Kobe coming in 7th at 24.84. James is more than 2 points better than the next best player (Paul), the biggest disparity between two consecutive spots anywhere on the list. The Roland Rating at 82games.com similarly has LeBron dominating the rest of the league. 82games also looks at stats in clutch-time: LeBron is leading Kobe in points, rebounds, assists, blocks, steals, and shooting percentage, while turning it over way less. LeBron also leads in clutch-time plus-minus per 48-minutes.

More importantly, though, there's this: I've heard it said that what's so beautiful about Kobe's season is that now that he's surrounded w/ good players, we're finally getting to see what he's capable of in his prime. But that's exactly the point. Kobe couldn't do this with a bad team (and, it's not like a team w/ Odom and Bynum, even w/out Gasol could ever be all that bad). With less-than-great teammates, he's just another great-numbers, bad-record guy. LeBron, with far worse teammates at almost every position, took his team to the NBA Finals. This year, with worse teammates at every single position (even going into the bench), still has his team 10 games over .500.

Put differently: If you traded Kobe for LeBron straight-up (and this hypothetical works since they both play pretty similar roles in their respective offenses), the Lakers would, at a minimum, not get any worse. The Kobe-led Cavs, however, would revert back to the Lakers of the last few years--that is, they would be another middle-of-the-pack team that would get murked in the first round. Sure, all this is hypothetical, but history and the numbers all back it up.

As for Paul, well, 21.3-4-11 is nice, as are the steals and shooting percentage, but they're still don't match the across-the-board dominance of the King (Paul also comes up short in every statistical algorithm mentioned above). And while NOLA's 42-20 is also nice, his teammates are still far superior to LeBron's at all positions.

Witness.

You Can Call Me Modern Urban Norman Rockwell

Notes while watching TV all day Sunday:

-Frankly, at this point, it won't matter even if the Suns somehow put it all together and win the championship. The party's over. The team that almost single-handedly revitalized NBA basketball (as a team sport, not as a league) has been turned into every other boring-ass NBA team. Hooray.
Seriously, fuck this team. They looked awful today. I've never seen them allow another team to dictate the pace so thoroughly. Even when they win, as in Friday night, it's completely soulless. Clearly, even if you buy the whole you-don't-need-five-men-to-run-a-break thing, you do need Marion to make it work as we'd grown to know it. Now we've got Shaq (whose range is now down to dunks and dunks alone; he can't even hit two-footers anymore) playing by the basket, which pushes Amare out to 12-15 feet, where he doesn't command double-teams, which keeps guys like Bell from getting open shots, which immediately kills their effectiveness. So, outside of the occasional Amare dunk on some dude's face, there's absolutely nothing fun about Phoenix's new brand of game. And since Golden State and Denver aren't ready for prime-time, I am losing all my excitement for the Western Conference playoffs (past the first round).

-And while we're at it, I don't even want to think about what I'm going to do if the Pistons win the East. There's just absolutely nothing positive that can come out of a series of them vs. anybody (short of the aforementioned Warriors or Nuggets).

-It's legitimately unbelievable how far Tracy McGrady has fallen from the public consciousness. He still has the most effortless shot in the game, and he's an excellent playmaker. But it's just impossible to care at this point. It really doesn't help that Houston is the single least exciting team in the league. I can (and have) gone entire quarters without actually noticing a single basket they scored.

-Along those lines, when I first heard it, the Gerald Green trade to Houston was my favorite deal of the trade deadline, for the dual purpose of allowing him to finally get minutes and to liven up the Rockets. However, Green came into the league as the next T-Mac; if the genuine article can't make the team even halfway interesting, baby-T-Mac probably won't help much either. Especially if he can't get any minutes. After a three-day back, I'm re-starting the campaign: FREE GERALD GREEN!

-I wish I could get a prop bet on how long until the first Jews-in-Hollywood joke complements of Jon Stewart. I'm taking the under.

-Oh, there it is.

-Fun facts you had repressed that you re-learn while watching the Oscars: Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar. Really. Cuba Gooding Jr. This show no longer has any credibility.

-Uh-oh. Owen Wilson hasn't been taking his anti-depressants. Lock the windows and hide the razors. He can, however, read the teleprompter, as long as you don't ask him to pretend otherwise in anyway.

-Tilda Swinton, huh? Good performance, not mind-blowing. But she almost redeemed the Academy with her fantastic shout-out to Clooney's early work as Batman. Method acting at its finest, indeed.

-Sarah Polley's still alive?

Everybody Pay Attention To Me!

Hey guys! Did you see that? Did you see me on ESPN?! Cot damn, look at how I yelled at that McNamee boy! Don't I look tough? Look how well I read that strongly-worded, pre-written statement. Hoo-hah!

Dan Burton 2012! Fuck an Obama!

The Big Man Moves Super Bowl Roundup

So the Giants are Super Bowl champions. No, no, that's no good. Let's try that again.

The Patriots lost! Woo-hoo! Karma's up in this bitch!

Better. Back to it. The Patriots, who previously had the NFL on smash, got ghosted. Justin Tuck decided to channel his inner-Osi (thankfully he did it metaphorically) and put it straight on Goldenboy's chest. And most importantly, in the eyes of fawning Jersey douchebags and NY media-types everywhere, Eli spent the latter part of Sunday developing Grown Man Status (and then, of course, giving it right back). Not one to get caught up in the hype, Steve Young summed up what everyone was feeling: "Like a foundry forging steel, Eli Manning took every arrow, every shot."

Oh, word, Steve? Like a bear to the sand, Yao Ming's translator called, and he wants his wack-ass similes back.

Resident Giants fat man Shaun O'Hara let us in on his jolly, saying, "it really was a sweet moment I'll remember forever. I'm sure our party was more fun than the Patriots." Shhh...nobody tell Willie Andrews. To be fair, the Giants' probably did have one hell of a party. Michael Strahan, preach:

"Trust me, that is the best team we played, the Cowboys." Holy shit, don't tell Willie that either! He'd be pissed, but mostly just cuz he wants whatever Big Guns was taking at that party.

Iceman of the Week: Al Davis

In what is our first (and most likely our last) presentation of the award, the Iceman of the Week award goes to Raiders owner Al Davis for playing wingman to our boy Dan Snyder. Congratulations, fucker. Just when it looked like the Redskins coaching search was about to become the most embarrassing situation in the NFL, here comes grandpa Davis to take all the heat off of them (and take a serious run at Ralph Wilson as my least favorite owner).

I'm convinced Snyder has pictures of Davis in women's underwear. Seriously, there's no other explanation. Whoever could have foreseen that Al Davis would immediately regret hiring Lane Kiffin when it happened? Like, 90% of the population? 95%? Fun fact: If you take a 31 year-old guy with no NFL experience, and no head coaching experience at any level, and hand him the keys to a 2-14 team with a total of 3 talented players, you're not going to the playoffs. Who the hell knew?

Of course, as I was writing this, the Redskins hired an offensive coordinator without a head coach. So, nevermind. A little one-upsmanship? Touche, Dan. Touche.

Guest Blog: Rodney Harrison

Big game today, baby. Oh yeah! Hot Rod's coming to play tonight! Playoff football, baby, that's what it's all about. Especially against the fucking Chargers. Buncha pussies. But hey, it's all about the te---What?! No, I haven't seen your fucking helmet, Vince. You big, fat fuck. I will put my helmet right on your kneecap, then stand up and hit you again before you can get your fat ass up. Now get the fuck out of here!

Wow, sorry. Don't know where that came from. Anyways, like I was saying, we're just taking it one game at a time over here. You guys want to talk about perfection, but we don't care about that at all. I'm just gonna be playing my game out there. You didn't know I'm one of the greatest playoff performers of all time? What, can't you read? I told you, Hot Rod's gonna be making plays tonight. Just as soon as I get my pre-game ster--where the fuck are they? Who fucking took my package? BIIIIILLLLLLLLL!!! Where is that sleeveless fuck? He's gotta have some video of who stole it, right? FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Jesus, I better go find Shawne.

Point-Counterpoint: Joe Gibbs

On the eve of the Redskins-Seahawks playoff rematch, we offer ourselves up as a forum for a little point-counterpoint:

POINT
Joe Gibbs is Hopelessly Out of Touch
by Sally Jenkins
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COUNTERPOINT
Joe Gibbs is as Fine a Leader as the NFL Has
by Sally Jenkins