Goodbye Young Tutor

For a much better attack at an issue we brought up poorly a week or so ago, check out the perennially must-read Free Darko.

BCS v. USNews

As exams and paper deadlines approach, there is only one question on H.R. Paperstacks', a/k/a Coach K Jr., mind: Will Virginia's BCS ranking surpass the law school's U.S. News & World Report ranking? We're sitting at number 14 in the latest BCS standings and number 10 in this years' U.S. News & World Report ranking, making us one of two BCS top-25 teams with a better law school than football program -- the other is Michigan (at BCS 21 and USNews 8), with Southern Cal (at BCS 11 and USNews 16) and Texas (at BCS 13 and USNews 18) both pretty close.

Just think: a victory over Virginia Tech would make our football team better than our law school. Time to step it up incoming 1Ls.

You Know My Steez

We are now less than a year from Election Day '08. To help you distinguish between the candidates (and develop a favorite without actually having to learn anything about their platforms), here's a look at the presidential field and the rapper each candidate is most comparable to:

Rudolph Giuliani/Nas -



New York state of mind. Both living entirely off of one event in the past (9/11; Illmatic), but that was enough to overcome any and all embarrassments that followed. Do especially well in a beef (Hillary; Jay-Z).

Barack Obama/Lupe Fiasco -



Idealistic throwbacks. Arrived to deafening hype; might not have come out on top, but weren’t crushed by it. Continually plagued by questions about whether they bring any substance, but the style is fun enough to overcome most of the doubts. Strong appeal among the college crowd. Maybe not everyone likes them, but no one is gonna attack them either.

John McCain/50 Cent -



Built rep on getting shot. Seemed the heir apparent for a while, but had a bad habit of going after the wrong guys. At this point has been reduced to an afterthought. Thinks you're a wanksta.

Hillary Clinton/Jay-Z -



The Dynasty. The favorite at all times; known to make comebacks just when you thought you were done with them.

Al Gore/Diddy -



No matter what they managed to bring to the table in their respective games, they had no chance of measuring up to the guys that made them famous. Once it was clear it wasn’t gonna happen for them, reinvented themselves and ended up much bigger. Always a threat to make a comeback, but probably better for everyone that they don’t. Industries to themselves.

Dennis Kucinich/Master P -



Been around forever, but you still don’t really know that much about them. Took a couple shots at the throne, to embarrassing results. Impossible to take seriously the entire time.

Bill Richardson/Black Thought -



One of the most impressive resumes in the game, but never given the respect he probably deserves. Too legit to go away, but doubtful that he'll ever really make a serious run at the top.

Mitt Romney/Fabolous -

Known to get results, and look good doing it. Not seen as a serious threat to anyone, however, based mostly a lack of street cred amongst their respective bases.

Fred Thompson/Will Smith -

This may be where they got their starts, but they fared much better as actors. Seem likeable enough, but hard to take seriously when they've always seemed so disinterested and pre-packaged.

Alan Keyes/Jim Jones -

Not without some skills, but nowhere near ready for primetime. An astounding amount of loyalty to those above them (RNC/Cam'ron), who you get the feeling are happy to let them do their dirt without ever planning on rewarding them for it.

Mike Huckabee/Ma$e -



Pretty self-explanatory. Likeable enough, but in the end, too nice for their own good.

Ron Paul/Soulja Boy -



YouTube sensation that made altogether too much money, altogether too quickly. Undoubtedly deluded themselves into believing they had any chance of sticking around, when everyone knows they’ll be gone in a month.

John Edwards/Cam'ron -



Strongest appeal in the Midwest. Took an ill-fated shot at the crown before it was his turn. Probably not a true threat anymore, but shouldn't be underestimated.

Tom Tancredo/Benzino



Entered a battle that was completely out of his league. Came out swinging, but ended up just pissing everybody off. Even at the time, impossible to justify.

Joe Biden/Joe Budden -



I'm lazy.

Chris Dodd/Joe Budden



Seriously, if you can tell him and Biden apart, we salute you.

Mike Gravel/The Sugarhill Gang -



Probably still wishing it was the 1970's.

Duncan Hunter/B.G.



Long, undistinguished career marked by rarely bothering to show up. Even when they did, never brought anything new to the table. Really, at this point why bother?

As for us? As much as we loved Food & Liquor, we'll be giving our endorsement to the first candidate who loves this country enough to man up and break out the Grizzly Adams. It's what this country needs.

The PILA Achtung

PILA may be above criticism for most people, but not for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a The Apple Snail. Sure they "give" money (over $215,000 in 2007) for students to work in public interest work during the summer -- for those students willing to "volunteer" 20 hours or more to PILA the next year. And who can argue that their auction is the best $30 you'll ever spend "for the privilege of paying exorbitant sums for watered down drinks." I know they stand for a great cause, and the world certainly needs people willing to forgo a six-figure income to fight for the less fortunate, but sometimes they need to be taken down a peg or two.

Who Wants A Moustache Ride?

Interviews are over, exams are coming up (and with them exam beards) and the other day I was walking down the hall and heard some kids planning a "No-Shave November." It seems like a perfect time for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a Rollie Fingers, to give all those aspiring 'stache artists a short lesson in facial hair.

The Pope
Also known as "The Walrus." The Pope lets people know that you are (1) large and (2) in charge. No seriously, in order to pull this thing off you have to weigh at least 220 pounds and you should probably be a warden, police officer, or bail bondsman. Works best if you have grey or white hair. This one is near and dear to me, since my dad has been sporting this look since the '70s.

The Super Mario
The moustache we all grew up loving, unless you grew up loving a hairless blue hedgehog, in which case I suggest you stop reading this blog, permanently. (Note: Do not stop reading this blog). You are only allowed to grow this if you (a) are Italian, (b) are Japanese (Mario's real homeland), or (c) have an extensive collection of red shirts and blue overalls in your wardrobe.

The Black Jesus
Everyone knows what White Jesus looks like, so there's no need to put a picture up and describe his beard. If you want to grow out the White Jesus Beard, I'm not here to stop you. But everyone knows that Jesus isn't white -- don't let Mel Gibson tell you otherwise -- so I'm putting up this picture for anyone who wants to look like the real Jesus. Apparently to be like the real Jesus you also have to have dreds and be ripped. This is a three-part look, so start prepping now.

The Octopus
You are probably wondering why this guy has only six "tentacles" on his beard instead of the eight required for a full-blown octopus. For your information, this old British guy lost two of the tentacles during World War II fighting the Krauts for the very freedom to have a moustache that you and I enjoy today. For shame. I recommend that all of our Army readers out there grow this moustache immediately to (1) scare the bejesus out of the terrorists and (2) to honor the memory of this old superpatriot.

The Cat Stevens
Also known as "The Yusef Islam," "The Richard Reid," "The Charles Manson," "The Matisyahu," "The Scorcese on Coke," "The Late John Lennon," "The Chewbacca," "Robin Williams' Knuckles" and "The Vagina Face." It is facial hair like this that shows that the terrorists have already won... the awesome facial hair contest. I was very sad to see them win it, but there isn't much I can do unless someone else steps up to the plate...

The Grizzly Adams
USA! USA! You didn't think I'd let the terrorists win. If you can pull this off, you are pretty much obligated to do so for the rest of us, and by "us" I mean "the US." You might want to stop shaving now, because it is going to take a long goddamn time to get there. The Grizzly Adams lets people know that you are the fucking man. If I saw you walking towards me, I would have to go to the other side of the street -- that would be just too much testosterone for the sidewalk. Take that terrorist scum.

Do You See How My Mind Works? It's Like A Laser!

A Fly Moses has been holding it down, but he told me that the people were clamoring for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a The Easy Rider, so here I am. You may have become accustomed to cogent posts such as the one comparing the two greatest quarterbacks of our generation (unless you are old as fuck, which means you aren't part of my generation and you probably haven't read the post anyway because you've misplaced your reading glasses). Well, that's not how my posts are going to go down. You see that Willy Wonka movie? I'm talking about the semi-creepy Gene Wilder version from the '70s, not the extremely creepy Jonny Depp version. Me too. I liked it. Here's something else you might like:

I love Aqua Teen Hunger Force, even though the makers of the show have decided to alienate its fans by refusing to air a single new episode in 2007. Why do television shows do this? The geniuses behind The Wire were able to create the single greatest show in the history of television, but also decided not to air any new episodes between December 2006 and January 2008. I know greatness takes time, and at least I've been able to enjoy the return of The Boondocks and the tour de force that is Flight of the Conchords in the meantime, but you just cannot justify taking an entire year off. At any rate, I can forgive these indiscretions, but what I can't abide is the fact that first video game from the Aqua Teen franchise is only coming out for a defunct piece of shit system that I don't own.


Now I respect making a "hybrid kart-racing/fighting/golf game that takes place on some of New Jersey's golf courses." In fact, from the trailer, it looks like a game that I would really enjoy playing, a la Big Bumpin' (which is actually one of the most fun games for the original Xbox). I also respect the brilliant title. Anything with "Zombie" or "Ninja" superfluously in the title is probably going to be great. But only making the game for the PS2? Fuck that. I'm boycotting this franchise -- at least through the rest of 2007.

That's When Motherfuckers Accidentally Get Shot

The debate about the relative merits of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady is played out, and there's probably not too much that we can add to it. It's also been obscured by the Patriots' development into arguably the most unlikeable team in modern sports. Not only did the media bend the definition of the term "dynasty" to accommodate a team that didn't even make the playoffs in 02-03, and not only was it shoved down our throats how they won "the right way," but in the aftermath of CameraGate, they somehow decided that it was the fault of the rest of the league; since the league didn't apologize to them, it was their personal mission to embarrass it (and although it's a different subject, it's no answer to say "you play for 60 minutes," when you're throwing on 4th-and-2 from the 37 yard line, up 45-0 with 7 minutes left in the game). But, digressing, we ain't ones to let the score speak for itself, so to the point:

Peyton Manning is aristocracy. His destiny was pre-determined for him; it's no accident that the networks actually managed to find footage of him playing football at age 3. He's the trust-fund-baby; establishment all the way. Compare this with Brady, an unheralded 6th-round pick out of Michigan, a bench-warmer who got his shot and made the most out of it. He's the little engine that could; the bedtime story you tell your child letting him know he can be whatever he wants. He's the frontier spirit embodied, in the American sport. Baseball is the pasttime, but football is the present. Baseball is Buddy Holly; football is Soulja Boy.



And this is what makes their careers so fascinating, especially the last few seasons. Brady, for all the we're-a-team-not-individuals-publicity the Patriots receive, is Hollywood, on and off the field. He's got the celebrity baby's-momma, the Gap ads, the supermodel girlfriend, and no matter what he says to try and dispel that image, the picture gives it away. And that's what he is on the field. He stands in the pocket for months at a time, cool, breeze. His spiral is tighter than Omar Little is with his shotgun. He makes everything look N'awlins (which it can be, when Randy Moss spends his Sundays telling Sir Isaac Newton where to shove his theories). And when he takes his helmet off on the sideline, he looks 10 seconds away from a photo shoot. He's Snoop/Dre G-Funk, lowriding his way to the record book.



For all his commercials (and even those are almost invariably of the goofy, common-man variety), Manning's game is anti-Hollywood. Nothing he does is smooth, and his game is as much intellectual as physical; he's Def Jux meets Gang Starr. He's got the happiest feet in the pocket this side of your DVD player, his passes wobble; nothing about his game, physically, looks like the prince of the league that he was born to be. He's got the arm strength, but he ain't no Jeff George. The signature of him on the sideline is the helmet-imprint on his forehead.

And this, really, is the reason that Manning is the alpha dog in the NFL, why he's all over your TV while Brady just stops by on Sundays. Manning's game has rejected his status as the favored son and made his name itself. We're talking Prince Akeem-leaving-Zamunda-for-Lisa McDowell, and if you ain't on the train, then George Bush will fucking bomb you. The two best facets of his game are beyond the physical: the way he out-mentals the defense pre-snap, and his absolutely uncanny feel for moving just enough in the pocket to avoid the blitz. These are skills he developed through perseverance, nothing natural and unearned. He's become the bedtime story, the folklore of the New American Dream. And when Brady makes it look so effortless, he's letting us all know that we ain't him, and we ain't never gonna be him. Gisele's probably not that into you, anyway.

The Bill Gates Donation Plan

We here at Big Man Moves have no love for college football. It is the Don Swayze to the NFL's Patrick Swayze, only if Don also happened to have the film resume of R. Kelly. However, we aren't ones to miss the trees for the forest. And if there's one thing to be said for college football, it's this:



Teamwork, baby. We assume Bear Bryant would be proud.

What's Really Good?

This is Big Man Moves. As the name suggests. We got sports, music, politics, scholarship, and other forms of entertainment. We're your neighborhood snowman, if the neighborhood is the internet, and you think of the above things as cocaine. Line up.