It's Wedding Season!

Weddings are supposed to be fun. The bride gets to treat her best friends like crap for months because it's supposed to be her special day. The groom gets to be the butt of hundreds of ball and chain jokes from his still blissfully single friends. But all those friends (maybe just the male ones) are betrayed when someone schedules a wedding during a big game. In order to avoid such a conflict, here is Bobby Big Wheel's guide to scheduling your wedding.

Football Season (September-Early February):

This time period includes the baseball playoffs and both college and pro football’s entire seasons. Stay away from it at all costs. Especially the October World Series/football clusterfuck. Your friends might not come. If they do come, one will bring a portable TV of some sort and they won’t be focused on hooking up with your wife’s relatives. Which isn’t good for anyone

Conference/NCAA Tournaments (March-Early April):

True story: my sister’s Bat Mitzvah reception took place during the UConn-Ohio State national semifinal. Of course, my parents brought a TV for interested parties to watch. UConn Territory, baby! But perhaps your wife isn’t as understanding. So stay away from March and early April. Even non-diehard sports fans will appreciate it because everyone’s got a bracket. This also covers Opening Day if there are any baseball purists younger than 60 still out there.

NBA Playoffs (May-Mid June):

You probably don’t have to worry about the opening rounds, but maybe avoid late April in case there’s a Dallas-Golden State scenario. Those games were amazing to watch. But you definitely want to avoid having your nuptials during the later rounds. Imagine if you’d had it during last year’s LeBron breakout game. And if you’re getting married in Canada or Minnesota, this covers the NHL playoffs too. I think.

World Cup (June-July, every four years):

Yeah, Americans don’t care about soccer, but they still love the World Cup. It’s easy for us to get caught up in the hoopla. And fans of the Cup are more likely to be young (your friends). And what if the U.S. team advances deep again? You don’t want to miss that.

Summer Olympics (August, every four years):

Again, normally you don’t give a fuck about the decathalon or swimming but the hype machine at NBC revs up and you’re glued to your TV for a few days. Odds are your wedding wouldn’t go up against anything too momentous but you probably don’t want to risk it. I didn’t include the Winter Olympics because the only event people care about any more is figure skating. Let your wife worry about that one. Hockey doesn’t matter any more now that we don’t have amateurs and there can’t be a Miracle On Ice again.

So what’s left? In most years, you can use a good portion of the summer, but summer weddings can be a sweaty drag. For the sports fan, the best time to get married is mid-February or mid-April. That’s factoring in a week-long honeymoon. You don’t want to end up like that douchebag in the commercial watching TV on a horse.