Big Man Moves

I Like It, I Love It: Week 3.

2008-09-22T21:32:00.001-04:00

There have been a lot of shitty gimmicks in MNF history, especially after ESPN took over. But Tim McGraw’s “I Like it, I Love it” schtick wasn’t bad. Not only does Tim have, quite possibly, the coolest father ever, but it was enjoyable if not a little goofy. But they axed it after only a year. What gives? Not enough synergy? McGraw sign a deal with Fox? Anyway, since everybody and their mom and Will Leitch does power rankings I’ll be wrapping up the NFL week by rewriting “I Like it, I Love it” every week. Now, if I only knew a guy who could sing a decent Tim McGraw impersonation and put together a package of video clips, I’d be in business. But for now, you gotta pretend.

Ronnie Brown ran through the Pats
On their home field
The Panthers found the hard way
That Frerotte’s for real
Eli led Big Blue on a game winning drive
The Skins notched a W as Moss juked and jived
A last second figgie put the Bills at three and o
Felix showed his moves in a ‘Boys win at Lambeau

[Chorus]

Mike Turner got three touchdowns
As the Falcons beat the Chiefs
It was a Pennsylvania battle
And Big Ben got no relief
The Jags beat the Colts for a much needed win
In Cleveland they’re all screaming for Brady Quinn
The Broncos won a shootout on a kick that went wide right
Griese showed his old team that he could throw all night

[Chorus]

SOL teams: Seahawks, 49ers. Win interesting games, will ya?

Don't Let Yourself Go

2008-08-25T13:54:00.001-04:00

The Osi Umenyiora injury is sinking in, and that means Giants fans have to be talked off the ledge. Let Michael Stipe soothe your pain, fellow Giants fans. We can still chant 18-1 at Yankees-Sox games.

Thoughts From the Celtics Comeback

2008-06-13T00:17:00.002-04:00

That game took too much out of me to come up with any coherent essay, but this game deserves a couple quick comments:

-I can't remember seeing better team defense, ever, than what the Celtics did in the last 20 minutes or so. The Lakers didn't get any open jumpers, the Celtics stayed on their feet on pump fakes; Kobe got to the basket a few times, but everything else was a hand right in the face. Absolutely nothing other than their defense should be given credit (or blame, on the Lakers' side) for this win other than Boston's defense.

-My favorite moment of the game was that on the final Lakers possession (excluding the final 3 seconds): when the Celtics needed to deny Kobe the ball, they took Pierce off of him and put KG on. This is everything that I used to love about KG, which kind of got lost when he went complementary-style on the Celtics. But even in his older years, he's still the only 7-footer I can ever remember seeing that can guard guard all five positions on the floor, man-to-man, at a championship level.

-Phil Jackson might be my favorite press-conference coach ever. He just blew a 24-point lead, and yet he's being helpful, friendly, accommodating, and all other such synonyms. I can't even imagine someone like Popovich here. Maybe he's just trying to instill an upbeat/non-depressed attitude on his team by example, but it's still refreshing. Also loved when he said that he was worried at halftime that Kobe hadn't hit a shot, because everyone on the Lakers knew Kobe was gonna come out trying to get his. Matching up with his attitude otherwise, this was some serious passive-aggressive shit. And again, I'd say that maybe this is some of his subtle zen-tricks or whatever, but given that he just got blatantly out-coached by Doc Rivers...

-Two things are gonna be obscured by the second half (and lord knows I'm loathe to give the Lakers credit): (1) The Lakers were absolutely fantastic in that first half. Obviously they shot well, but that was the best team passing, from everyone on the floor, that I've seen since the Kings' heyday (too soon?); (2) Kobe may end up taking a lot of shit for only getting 6 field goals in that game, but the Lakers were at their best when he wasn't shooting (which, of course, makes Phil's "Kobe's gonna come out gunning" comment so awesome. Really, this can't be overstated.).

-I've always said Doc got way too little credit for getting this team (which, outside of Pierce, is comprised entirely of new or young/unproven players) together as quickly as he did; but, I also thought he was a terrible in-game coach. Well, after watching that game (and comebacks like this can probably be credited to coaches more than any other type of victory) and a remarkably coherent post-game presser, I might have to change my tune on that one.

-And finally, how can anyone go from this game, which included the first team to ever come back from a 21-point first quarter deficit (or an 18-point first half deficit--I can't decide which is more impressive), and then start throwing out the "no team has ever come back from a 3-1 deficit in the NBA finals" stat? Really, I know it's an impressive stat, but you really expect Paul Pierce to think that no-one's-ever-done-it matters?

It's Wedding Season!

2008-06-01T18:27:00.003-04:00

Weddings are supposed to be fun. The bride gets to treat her best friends like crap for months because it's supposed to be her special day. The groom gets to be the butt of hundreds of ball and chain jokes from his still blissfully single friends. But all those friends (maybe just the male ones) are betrayed when someone schedules a wedding during a big game. In order to avoid such a conflict, here is Bobby Big Wheel's guide to scheduling your wedding.

Football Season (September-Early February):

This time period includes the baseball playoffs and both college and pro football’s entire seasons. Stay away from it at all costs. Especially the October World Series/football clusterfuck. Your friends might not come. If they do come, one will bring a portable TV of some sort and they won’t be focused on hooking up with your wife’s relatives. Which isn’t good for anyone

Conference/NCAA Tournaments (March-Early April):

True story: my sister’s Bat Mitzvah reception took place during the UConn-Ohio State national semifinal. Of course, my parents brought a TV for interested parties to watch. UConn Territory, baby! But perhaps your wife isn’t as understanding. So stay away from March and early April. Even non-diehard sports fans will appreciate it because everyone’s got a bracket. This also covers Opening Day if there are any baseball purists younger than 60 still out there.

NBA Playoffs (May-Mid June):

You probably don’t have to worry about the opening rounds, but maybe avoid late April in case there’s a Dallas-Golden State scenario. Those games were amazing to watch. But you definitely want to avoid having your nuptials during the later rounds. Imagine if you’d had it during last year’s LeBron breakout game. And if you’re getting married in Canada or Minnesota, this covers the NHL playoffs too. I think.

World Cup (June-July, every four years):

Yeah, Americans don’t care about soccer, but they still love the World Cup. It’s easy for us to get caught up in the hoopla. And fans of the Cup are more likely to be young (your friends). And what if the U.S. team advances deep again? You don’t want to miss that.

Summer Olympics (August, every four years):

Again, normally you don’t give a fuck about the decathalon or swimming but the hype machine at NBC revs up and you’re glued to your TV for a few days. Odds are your wedding wouldn’t go up against anything too momentous but you probably don’t want to risk it. I didn’t include the Winter Olympics because the only event people care about any more is figure skating. Let your wife worry about that one. Hockey doesn’t matter any more now that we don’t have amateurs and there can’t be a Miracle On Ice again.

So what’s left? In most years, you can use a good portion of the summer, but summer weddings can be a sweaty drag. For the sports fan, the best time to get married is mid-February or mid-April. That’s factoring in a week-long honeymoon. You don’t want to end up like that douchebag in the commercial watching TV on a horse.

NFL Rivalry Week: Make It Happen

2008-05-21T06:15:00.001-04:00

I’m a recent convert to caring about college football (I finally go to a school that has/live in a state with a I-A team!), and one of the things I like the most about it is the rivalry game. One weekend a year you have teams playing their rivals for some goofy trophy. And everyone in the stands gets blasted for it. Why can’t we have this in the NFL?

We should make it the last week of the season for a couple of reasons. First, it means teams won’t rest their starters on the last week, meaning there’s a fairer fight for final playoff spots. Say the Jets are 9-6 and the Ravens are 8-7 and battling for the last wildcard spot. There’s no way Belicheck is resting his starters, giving the Jets an unfair advantage over the Ravens.

Second, it’s good for the fans of crummy teams. Say the Bengals are 6-9 and out of playoff contention. But if they beat the Browns in Rivalry Week the fans can always take solace in that. The downside is that coaches who deserve to be canned, like Mike Nolan, might stick around if they beat their rivals.

Here are my 16 proposed rivalry games:

The Yankee Cup: Patriots v. Jets

Winner gets possession of the parts of Connecticut not on the Giants bandwagon. There’s enough bad blood here to keep this one feisty for years.

The Snowbird Cup: Bills v. Dolphins

It’s the leftovers of the AFC East! Hey, at least this way the Dolphins have to go up to Buffalo in December every other year until the Bills move to a domed stadium in Toronto in 2012. Lake Ontario ≠ Biscayne Bay

The Paul Brown Cup: Browns v. Bengals

Winner gets to re-inter Paul Brown in the cemetery of its choosing every year. And if Ohio State loses to Michigan then two of the four Dead Schembechlers will have one football win to hang their hats on.

The Heavy Industry Cup: Steelers v. Ravens

And after the game Steely McBeam can meet up with Commissioner Rawls at a discreet gay bar of their choosing. Keep reaching for that rainbow!

The Bud Adams Cup: Texans v. Titans

I’m a sucker for relocation-related bowl games. Hey, the Texans owner made a big stink about joining the AFC because the Oilers’ old rivals were all in the AFC, forcing the Seahawks to switch conferences. Well, here you go, billionaire jerk.

The Podunk Cup: Colts v. Jaguars

I mean, do you even know anyone from either Indianapolis or Jacksonville? They call them India-no-place and Cowtown for a reason. How do these places have teams while L.A. doesn’t?

The Hollywood Cup: Raiders v. Chargers

The NFL could try to get celebrities to drag themselves to either San Diego (shouldn’t be too hard) or Oakland (possibly difficult, unless they’re Bubb Rubb fans) for this game. I mean, the NBA has Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee, baseball has Stephen King and Jerry Seinfeld, who does the NFL have? Terry Crews?

The Ethanol Cup: Broncos v. Chiefs

Television sets across Kansas, from Garden City to Overland Park, will be tuned into this one every year in December/January. It’s the battle for the soul of Kansas, so presumably the team coached by a Democrat will lose. And instead of the national anthem, they could play “Carry on My Wayward Son” before every game.

The Turnpike Cup: Giants v. Eagles

Of all the games, I worry most about this one. I mean, the fans are already pretty excited/liquored up for Eagles-Giants games; someone might get murdered in the stands at one of these. Winner gets a year supply of Aquanet.

The Oilman Cup: Cowboys v. Redskins

Their lobbyists are in D.C. and their money’s in Texas. So the name makes sense. I hope the trophy is a replica of an oil derrick; that would look cool.

The Ice Cup: Bears v. Lions

Dr. Z could bust out some Knute Rockne/Bronko Nagurski memories for this one. I’m a young guy so I gotta ask; have other elderly sportswriters declined into irrelevance like Zimmerman? Do they even bother editing his columns any more?

The Bratwurst Cup: Packers v. Vikings

Or you could call it the Hilarious Accent Cup. Wherever it’s played, I imagine this game will involve a lot of fat people drinking beer and eating grilled, processed meats at the tailgate.

The Dixie Cup: Panthers v. Falcons

I mean, I had to make one of these the Dixie Cup, didn’t I? But you worry that this game runs the highest risk of being overshadowed by a college football bowl.

The Smuggler Cup: Saints v. Bucs

During the Hugh Culverhouse Era this game would have consistently determined who got the top overall pick. But this year it would merely spark a story about how the 5-10 Saints were right on the brink of turning things around.

The Alt Rock Cup: Seahawks v. 49ers

Winner gets music scene bragging rights for the upcoming year. It’ll be the only football game where Pitchfork gets a press pass. This is also the rivalry game most likely to be cancelled due to fog.

The Gateway Cup: Rams v. Cardinals

Neighbor turns against neighbor from Jefferson City to Mattoon for this one. Do they root for their boyhood loves or the team that finally brought St. Louis glory? Will Leitch could glog this game every year.

So there you have it. If anyone out there knows Peter King, let him know of my idea. He could put in a good word for me with The Rog.

Greatest. Video. Ever

2008-04-24T23:31:00.000-04:00

Okay, maybe an overstatement (Bubbrubb, I got you), but this is absolutely fantastic. Turn on the sound, and then I double-dog dare you not to laugh.

Back Then Ho's Didn't Want Me; Now I'm Hot, Ho's All On Me

2008-03-31T22:18:00.004-04:00

You can probably tell from the machine gun-fire pace of the posts on this site that we tirelessly scour the internet to bring you the most important and incisive news and issues. It should thus come as no surprise that we were first to stumble upon this, hidden inside a story about a young Stephon Marbury and the smell of either weed or sex, depending on your Starbury-vice predilections.

Feb Club done gone nationals! Suck on that, ATL posters!

LeBron, Updated

2008-03-13T10:10:00.006-04:00

The reason that Kobe is almost guaranteed the MVP at this point is the popular wisdom that he's the best player in the league; since he's been the best player in the league for years, and for each of them he was denied the MVP because of team performance, there's no way he can be denied when his team has the best record in the West. And I'll admit, the logic here is appealing. Except, Kobe's not the best player in the game. In every statistical category (save 3P% and FT%), LeBron is equal or noticeably better. This is even more pronounced when the game is on the line. And all next-gen stats have LeBron well above Kobe. So, why does everyone still think Kobe is better?

There are two main reasons. First (and this seems to be, at least partly, what Ric Bucher is getting at in his recent appearance on Bill Simmons's podcast) is that he so clearly has the potential to be the greatest player ever, that anything less than that is a disappointment. Obviously, this is an absurd argument.

Second, and more important, is that the way in which LeBron is dominating is just so new that nobody quite knows what to make of it. His game isn't as refined as it might be; he doesn't have the consistent shot from 18+, like a Kobe does, and yet he still shoots a higher percentage from the floor. He pretty much relies on his power and ability to get to the rim (his three-point shot is coming around, but still is hardly a deadly weapon). And up until now, this is just not enough to be a great player.

Up until now, a player that relies on getting to the rim can be stopped; he can be double-teamed or the whole defense can collapse; either way, he can be forced to pass or take a jump shot. This is why every important game winner up until now has been a jumper. At the beginning of LeBron's career, this threat would be enough to force him to pass to the open man when the defense collapsed, after the inevitable Donyell Marshall/etc wide-open miss, he would get criticized for not taking the big shot himself. After that, he settled for the jumper; sometimes he would hit (e.g. over Kobe the last time they met this year), sometime he would miss. Now, however, he has realized that he absolutely cannot be stopped going to the rim.

Best as I can tell, this just seems cheaper to people. We're so used to seeing jumpers a la Jordan's more famous shots, we assume that if you're not taking them, it's because you're not good enough to. Lay-ups seem to take less skill. But really, this is completely backwards. Jordan took jumpers not because his shot was better from 18 feet than it was on a lay-up, but rather because the defense could take the lay-up away.

More importantly, if you can get the lay-up, it's far more high-percentage than a jumper. When Bucher and others say that Bryant is a better player because his game is more well-rounded, they're missing the point. Why is it more impressive to have a better mid-range game if you end up shooting a lower percentage? Clearly, the whole point of having that as a weapon is that, when the defense takes the drive away from you, you can just pull up and bang a shot anyways. But a mid-range shot is only as important as its necessity. If the defense can't take the drive away, it's merely a luxury. And, as the clutch-time stats indicate (as do the overall stats), LeBron is better, even with his "less-well-rounded" game, than Kobe is.

The Lebron James-for-MVP Post.

2008-03-12T22:09:00.009-04:00

Over at Sports Illustrated, Marty "Let the Motherfucker" Burns has his MVP contenders list out (note: I know he put this article out two weeks ago; I've been busy). He, as with the majority of the television analysts I've seen, lists Kobe as the front-runner. I can appreciate what he's done on the court, and how he's gone from horrible teammate to a not-bad teammate (which, when used as an absolute positive for his candidacy, is the greatest use of lowered expectations since...). But, Burns's thesis is, in a word, insane.

As a jump-off point, there are 5 legitimate, mainstream candidates for MVP: Kobe, Lebron, KG, Chris Paul, and maybe Dwight Howard (I do agree w/ Burns here). You theoretically could throw Manu in there too, on the theory that he's playing the best of anyone on the Spurs, who are still the mode pick to win the championship; but, no sixth-man is ever gonna win, so nevermind. KG, one of my favorite players of all time, has missed too many games and has seen his numbers drop too much to really have a shot at the award (although, clearly, he brings the leadership and team defense as well as anyone). Dwight Howard is dominant, but the Magic simply aren't anywhere near good enough considering the quality of his teammates.

So, we're looking at a three-man race. Leaving Paul aside, who's still mostly a wild card, there are the popular-wisdom two best players in the league: Kobe and LeBron. And really, this isn't even a debate. To the numbers: Kobe's going for 28.2-6.1-5.3, LeBron's getting 30.8-8.1-7.4. Better across the board (in fact, at least 2 better in each category). James also plays more minutes and shoots a better percentage, while turning it over slightly less. Further, statistician-extraordinaire John Hollinger has James leading the league in PER at 30.56, with Kobe coming in 7th at 24.84. James is more than 2 points better than the next best player (Paul), the biggest disparity between two consecutive spots anywhere on the list. The Roland Rating at 82games.com similarly has LeBron dominating the rest of the league. 82games also looks at stats in clutch-time: LeBron is leading Kobe in points, rebounds, assists, blocks, steals, and shooting percentage, while turning it over way less. LeBron also leads in clutch-time plus-minus per 48-minutes.

More importantly, though, there's this: I've heard it said that what's so beautiful about Kobe's season is that now that he's surrounded w/ good players, we're finally getting to see what he's capable of in his prime. But that's exactly the point. Kobe couldn't do this with a bad team (and, it's not like a team w/ Odom and Bynum, even w/out Gasol could ever be all that bad). With less-than-great teammates, he's just another great-numbers, bad-record guy. LeBron, with far worse teammates at almost every position, took his team to the NBA Finals. This year, with worse teammates at every single position (even going into the bench), still has his team 10 games over .500.

Put differently: If you traded Kobe for LeBron straight-up (and this hypothetical works since they both play pretty similar roles in their respective offenses), the Lakers would, at a minimum, not get any worse. The Kobe-led Cavs, however, would revert back to the Lakers of the last few years--that is, they would be another middle-of-the-pack team that would get murked in the first round. Sure, all this is hypothetical, but history and the numbers all back it up.

As for Paul, well, 21.3-4-11 is nice, as are the steals and shooting percentage, but they're still don't match the across-the-board dominance of the King (Paul also comes up short in every statistical algorithm mentioned above). And while NOLA's 42-20 is also nice, his teammates are still far superior to LeBron's at all positions.

Witness.

You Can Call Me Modern Urban Norman Rockwell

2008-02-25T00:28:00.001-05:00

Notes while watching TV all day Sunday:

-Frankly, at this point, it won't matter even if the Suns somehow put it all together and win the championship. The party's over. The team that almost single-handedly revitalized NBA basketball (as a team sport, not as a league) has been turned into every other boring-ass NBA team. Hooray.
Seriously, fuck this team. They looked awful today. I've never seen them allow another team to dictate the pace so thoroughly. Even when they win, as in Friday night, it's completely soulless. Clearly, even if you buy the whole you-don't-need-five-men-to-run-a-break thing, you do need Marion to make it work as we'd grown to know it. Now we've got Shaq (whose range is now down to dunks and dunks alone; he can't even hit two-footers anymore) playing by the basket, which pushes Amare out to 12-15 feet, where he doesn't command double-teams, which keeps guys like Bell from getting open shots, which immediately kills their effectiveness. So, outside of the occasional Amare dunk on some dude's face, there's absolutely nothing fun about Phoenix's new brand of game. And since Golden State and Denver aren't ready for prime-time, I am losing all my excitement for the Western Conference playoffs (past the first round).

-And while we're at it, I don't even want to think about what I'm going to do if the Pistons win the East. There's just absolutely nothing positive that can come out of a series of them vs. anybody (short of the aforementioned Warriors or Nuggets).

-It's legitimately unbelievable how far Tracy McGrady has fallen from the public consciousness. He still has the most effortless shot in the game, and he's an excellent playmaker. But it's just impossible to care at this point. It really doesn't help that Houston is the single least exciting team in the league. I can (and have) gone entire quarters without actually noticing a single basket they scored.

-Along those lines, when I first heard it, the Gerald Green trade to Houston was my favorite deal of the trade deadline, for the dual purpose of allowing him to finally get minutes and to liven up the Rockets. However, Green came into the league as the next T-Mac; if the genuine article can't make the team even halfway interesting, baby-T-Mac probably won't help much either. Especially if he can't get any minutes. After a three-day back, I'm re-starting the campaign: FREE GERALD GREEN!

-I wish I could get a prop bet on how long until the first Jews-in-Hollywood joke complements of Jon Stewart. I'm taking the under.

-Oh, there it is.

-Fun facts you had repressed that you re-learn while watching the Oscars: Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar. Really. Cuba Gooding Jr. This show no longer has any credibility.

-Uh-oh. Owen Wilson hasn't been taking his anti-depressants. Lock the windows and hide the razors. He can, however, read the teleprompter, as long as you don't ask him to pretend otherwise in anyway.

-Tilda Swinton, huh? Good performance, not mind-blowing. But she almost redeemed the Academy with her fantastic shout-out to Clooney's early work as Batman. Method acting at its finest, indeed.

-Sarah Polley's still alive?

Everybody Pay Attention To Me!

2008-02-13T18:09:00.005-05:00

Hey guys! Did you see that? Did you see me on ESPN?! Cot damn, look at how I yelled at that McNamee boy! Don't I look tough? Look how well I read that strongly-worded, pre-written statement. Hoo-hah!

Dan Burton 2012! Fuck an Obama!

The Big Man Moves Super Bowl Roundup

2008-02-05T17:18:00.002-05:00

So the Giants are Super Bowl champions. No, no, that's no good. Let's try that again.

The Patriots lost! Woo-hoo! Karma's up in this bitch!

Better. Back to it. The Patriots, who previously had the NFL on smash, got ghosted. Justin Tuck decided to channel his inner-Osi (thankfully he did it metaphorically) and put it straight on Goldenboy's chest. And most importantly, in the eyes of fawning Jersey douchebags and NY media-types everywhere, Eli spent the latter part of Sunday developing Grown Man Status (and then, of course, giving it right back). Not one to get caught up in the hype, Steve Young summed up what everyone was feeling: "Like a foundry forging steel, Eli Manning took every arrow, every shot."

Oh, word, Steve? Like a bear to the sand, Yao Ming's translator called, and he wants his wack-ass similes back.

Resident Giants fat man Shaun O'Hara let us in on his jolly, saying, "it really was a sweet moment I'll remember forever. I'm sure our party was more fun than the Patriots." Shhh...nobody tell Willie Andrews. To be fair, the Giants' probably did have one hell of a party. Michael Strahan, preach:

"Trust me, that is the best team we played, the Cowboys." Holy shit, don't tell Willie that either! He'd be pissed, but mostly just cuz he wants whatever Big Guns was taking at that party.

Iceman of the Week: Al Davis

2008-01-25T17:59:00.001-05:00

In what is our first (and most likely our last) presentation of the award, the Iceman of the Week award goes to Raiders owner Al Davis for playing wingman to our boy Dan Snyder. Congratulations, fucker. Just when it looked like the Redskins coaching search was about to become the most embarrassing situation in the NFL, here comes grandpa Davis to take all the heat off of them (and take a serious run at Ralph Wilson as my least favorite owner).

I'm convinced Snyder has pictures of Davis in women's underwear. Seriously, there's no other explanation. Whoever could have foreseen that Al Davis would immediately regret hiring Lane Kiffin when it happened? Like, 90% of the population? 95%? Fun fact: If you take a 31 year-old guy with no NFL experience, and no head coaching experience at any level, and hand him the keys to a 2-14 team with a total of 3 talented players, you're not going to the playoffs. Who the hell knew?

Of course, as I was writing this, the Redskins hired an offensive coordinator without a head coach. So, nevermind. A little one-upsmanship? Touche, Dan. Touche.

Guest Blog: Rodney Harrison

2008-01-20T13:35:00.000-05:00

Big game today, baby. Oh yeah! Hot Rod's coming to play tonight! Playoff football, baby, that's what it's all about. Especially against the fucking Chargers. Buncha pussies. But hey, it's all about the te---What?! No, I haven't seen your fucking helmet, Vince. You big, fat fuck. I will put my helmet right on your kneecap, then stand up and hit you again before you can get your fat ass up. Now get the fuck out of here!

Wow, sorry. Don't know where that came from. Anyways, like I was saying, we're just taking it one game at a time over here. You guys want to talk about perfection, but we don't care about that at all. I'm just gonna be playing my game out there. You didn't know I'm one of the greatest playoff performers of all time? What, can't you read? I told you, Hot Rod's gonna be making plays tonight. Just as soon as I get my pre-game ster--where the fuck are they? Who fucking took my package? BIIIIILLLLLLLLL!!! Where is that sleeveless fuck? He's gotta have some video of who stole it, right? FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Jesus, I better go find Shawne.

Point-Counterpoint: Joe Gibbs

2008-01-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

On the eve of the Redskins-Seahawks playoff rematch, we offer ourselves up as a forum for a little point-counterpoint:

POINT
Joe Gibbs is Hopelessly Out of Touch
by Sally Jenkins
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COUNTERPOINT
Joe Gibbs is as Fine a Leader as the NFL Has
by Sally Jenkins

Happy New Year

2007-12-30T21:17:00.000-05:00

The A-List

2007-12-20T11:35:00.000-05:00

Now that exam season is over, I'm going to gorge myself on tv, movies, and videogames (and, uh, books). Last night, I kicked it off with Live Free or Die Hard, which (surprisingly) was pretty damn good. Bruce Willis is pretty much a one-trick pony, but his one trick continues to work into the beginning of Willis' twilight years, while other over-the-hill actors (notably Sly Stallone) are completely destroying what little credibility they had left by destroying (as old men) the roles that made them famous.

This got me thinking about the way that people rate movies (I myself was wondering whether to give Live Free or Die Hard 3 stars of 4). And I pretty much decided that people are idiots. To demonstrate, let's pretend that actors can be graded just like I (mercilessly) am at law school... In fact:

(1) Take the last 10 movies that the actor appeared in, and check their rankings on IMDB (we need some idiot movie rankers here).
(2) Accord those movies a letter grade based on their ranking. We're working on the law school GPA system -- 8.5 or above (there are only 43 such movies on IMDB) is an A+ (4.3); 8.0 to 8.4 an A (4.0); 7.5 to 7.9 an A- (3.7); 6.5 to 7.4 a B+ (3.3); 6.0 to 6.4 a B (3.0); 5.5 to 5.9 a B- (2.7); 5.0 to 5.4 a C+ (2.3); 4 to 4.9 a C (2.0); 2.5 to 3.9 a D (1.0); and anything below 2.5 an F.
(3) For calculating GPA, give the actor 3 credits for a starring role; 2 credits for a supporting role; and 1 credit for a bit or cameo role. For movies I haven't seen, I'm going by how high or low they are billed in the cast list.

Let's see how it plays out, for example, on Bruce Willis:

Planet Terror (2cr, A); Nancy Drew (1 cr, B-); Live Free or Die Hard (3cr, A-); Perfect Stranger (3cr, C+); Astronaut Farmer (1cr, B+); Fast Food Nation (1cr, B); Over the Hedge (3cr, B+); 16 Blocks (3cr, B+); Lucky Number Slevin (3cr, A-); Alpha Dog (2cr, B+) -- gives him an overall GMA (Good Movie Average) of 3.295. Congratulations, Bruce Willis! You are pretty average! Maybe the rankings on IMDB aren't totally fucked up after all.

Lets see how this plays out for a verifiable movie genius, George Clooney:

Michael Clayton (3cr, A-); Ocean's 13 (3cr, B+) The Good German (3cr, B); Syriana (3cr, B+); Good Night and Good Luck (2cr, A-); Ocean's 12 (3cr, B); Intolerable Cruelty (3cr, B+); Spy Kids 3-D (1cr, C); Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2cr, B+); Solaris (3cr, B). That gives him -- what the fuck, 3.22?

Proving once again that millions of people can be wrong.

Keeping up foreign relations. You know, giving him the bird.

2007-12-12T01:38:00.000-05:00

The Bobby Petrino news obviously reminded me of the Nick Saban situation of a couple years ago. I always though Saban got hit a bit too hard in the media for leaving the Dolphins. He did two years there, and when he decided his heart wasn't in it anymore, he left. I understand he wasn't entirely forthcoming/honest with his answers to the media about whether or not he was gonna take the Alabama job, but what exactly was he supposed to say? If he said he was gonna leave, his players wouldn't be willing to fight for him the same way on the field; if he deflected the questions as the media said he should ("Right now I'm the coach of the Dolphins, when the time comes I'll talk about Alabama"), he would have been sending basically the same message.

I know people get the panties all in a bunch when people compare sports to war, but football is the one sport where this analogy works. Football, at its core, is violence, and at its highest level, it demands trust above all else. The coaches are sending the players out there to get beaten up for 60 straight minutes, and this requires that the players are willing to take that pounding for their teammates and their coach. I remember a Dr. Z piece from a couple months ago, talking about a British guy he talked to about American football; the guy said what amazed him the most was the chess game going back and forth between the coaches; how every move set up the next. People talk about quarterbacks being field generals, but in the end, the coaches are the commanders, training camp is like boot camp, and Kellen Winslow is a soldier. You can talk about game-planning all you want, but there's a reason Mike Martz and Norv Turner aren't winning any Super Bowls as head coaches. A truly great team is one on which the players are willing to make any sacrifice for their coach, because they know they're coach has their back.

Now, Nick Saban's was paid by the Dolphins, and as long as he was collecting that check, his number one priority had to be winning, which required having the trust of his players. Being forthcoming with sensitive reporters couldn't even enter into that equation. If his players didn't think he was in it for them, they couldn't be in it for him, not at the level required in the NFL.

What Petrino did, to my mind at least, is blatantly worse. He refused to adjust to coaching in the NFL, treated his players like shit, and then when things got bad enough he didn't just decide that it wasn't for him and that he would move on after the season--he just quit on his team right there (and to make matters worse, took a college job on the same day). He basically condemned his team to losing the final few games; I know there's the possibility that the team might rally in a 'fuck you' to Petrino, but it seems that he did so much damage to the moral of the team and the psyche of his quarterbacks that it won't even matter at this point. The only other argument one can make in defending him is that he was just so awful as a head coach that they'll be immediately better without him; this may be true, but his refusal to adjust as the job demanded (and as everyone knew beforehand he would have to) is just as damning.

And yet somehow, the media coverage so far has been more of the Bobby-being-Bobby flavor--he hates staying in one place for very long, and he wasn't really that good anyways, so oh well--not the he-is-the-worst-rat-scum-piece-of-shit-the-NFL-has-ever-seen treatment of Saban that everyone was beaten over the head with from all angles (admittedly, the story is relatively new, so maybe they just haven't had time to get these stories out; but the Sean Taylor coverage proved once again that the media doesn't need a lot of time to start ripping people).

In other news, Davy Crockett's 5-year-old 10th-great-grandson killed a 400 lb. bear. Now, I realize descending from the King of the Wild Frontier makes you pretty B.A. I loved that movie as a kid. And I know some people love hunting. But seriously, now we're letting five-year-old kids shoot a rifle? AT A GODDAMN 445-POUND FUCKING BEAR? Who the hell are this kid's parents (other than Crocket''s 9th-great-grandson)? I can't wait to move back north.

(By the way, my favorite part of the story? The following quote: "Mike Merritt said tears rolled down his cheeks when he found out his grandson killed the enormous bear." Really, you can't make stuff like that up.)

Goodbye Young Tutor

2007-11-13T14:15:00.001-05:00

For a much better attack at an issue we brought up poorly a week or so ago, check out the perennially must-read Free Darko.

BCS v. USNews

2007-11-12T18:28:00.002-05:00

As exams and paper deadlines approach, there is only one question on H.R. Paperstacks', a/k/a Coach K Jr., mind: Will Virginia's BCS ranking surpass the law school's U.S. News & World Report ranking? We're sitting at number 14 in the latest BCS standings and number 10 in this years' U.S. News & World Report ranking, making us one of two BCS top-25 teams with a better law school than football program -- the other is Michigan (at BCS 21 and USNews 8), with Southern Cal (at BCS 11 and USNews 16) and Texas (at BCS 13 and USNews 18) both pretty close.

Just think: a victory over Virginia Tech would make our football team better than our law school. Time to step it up incoming 1Ls.

You Know My Steez

2007-11-11T23:29:00.000-05:00

We are now less than a year from Election Day '08. To help you distinguish between the candidates (and develop a favorite without actually having to learn anything about their platforms), here's a look at the presidential field and the rapper each candidate is most comparable to:

Rudolph Giuliani/Nas -

New York state of mind. Both living entirely off of one event in the past (9/11; Illmatic), but that was enough to overcome any and all embarrassments that followed. Do especially well in a beef (Hillary; Jay-Z).

Barack Obama/Lupe Fiasco -

Idealistic throwbacks. Arrived to deafening hype; might not have come out on top, but weren’t crushed by it. Continually plagued by questions about whether they bring any substance, but the style is fun enough to overcome most of the doubts. Strong appeal among the college crowd. Maybe not everyone likes them, but no one is gonna attack them either.

John McCain/50 Cent -

Built rep on getting shot. Seemed the heir apparent for a while, but had a bad habit of going after the wrong guys. At this point has been reduced to an afterthought. Thinks you're a wanksta.

Hillary Clinton/Jay-Z -

The Dynasty. The favorite at all times; known to make comebacks just when you thought you were done with them.

Al Gore/Diddy -

No matter what they managed to bring to the table in their respective games, they had no chance of measuring up to the guys that made them famous. Once it was clear it wasn’t gonna happen for them, reinvented themselves and ended up much bigger. Always a threat to make a comeback, but probably better for everyone that they don’t. Industries to themselves.

Dennis Kucinich/Master P -

Been around forever, but you still don’t really know that much about them. Took a couple shots at the throne, to embarrassing results. Impossible to take seriously the entire time.

Bill Richardson/Black Thought -

One of the most impressive resumes in the game, but never given the respect he probably deserves. Too legit to go away, but doubtful that he'll ever really make a serious run at the top.

Mitt Romney/Fabolous -

Known to get results, and look good doing it. Not seen as a serious threat to anyone, however, based mostly a lack of street cred amongst their respective bases.

Fred Thompson/Will Smith -

This may be where they got their starts, but they fared much better as actors. Seem likeable enough, but hard to take seriously when they've always seemed so disinterested and pre-packaged.

Alan Keyes/Jim Jones -

Not without some skills, but nowhere near ready for primetime. An astounding amount of loyalty to those above them (RNC/Cam'ron), who you get the feeling are happy to let them do their dirt without ever planning on rewarding them for it.

Mike Huckabee/Ma$e -

Pretty self-explanatory. Likeable enough, but in the end, too nice for their own good.

Ron Paul/Soulja Boy -

YouTube sensation that made altogether too much money, altogether too quickly. Undoubtedly deluded themselves into believing they had any chance of sticking around, when everyone knows they’ll be gone in a month.

John Edwards/Cam'ron -

Strongest appeal in the Midwest. Took an ill-fated shot at the crown before it was his turn. Probably not a true threat anymore, but shouldn't be underestimated.

Tom Tancredo/Benzino

Entered a battle that was completely out of his league. Came out swinging, but ended up just pissing everybody off. Even at the time, impossible to justify.

Joe Biden/Joe Budden -

I'm lazy.

Chris Dodd/Joe Budden

Seriously, if you can tell him and Biden apart, we salute you.

Mike Gravel/The Sugarhill Gang -

Probably still wishing it was the 1970's.

Duncan Hunter/B.G.

Long, undistinguished career marked by rarely bothering to show up. Even when they did, never brought anything new to the table. Really, at this point why bother?

As for us? As much as we loved Food & Liquor, we'll be giving our endorsement to the first candidate who loves this country enough to man up and break out the Grizzly Adams. It's what this country needs.

The PILA Achtung

2007-11-10T13:11:00.000-05:00

PILA may be above criticism for most people, but not for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a The Apple Snail. Sure they "give" money (over $215,000 in 2007) for students to work in public interest work during the summer -- for those students willing to "volunteer" 20 hours or more to PILA the next year. And who can argue that their auction is the best $30 you'll ever spend "for the privilege of paying exorbitant sums for watered down drinks." I know they stand for a great cause, and the world certainly needs people willing to forgo a six-figure income to fight for the less fortunate, but sometimes they need to be taken down a peg or two.

Who Wants A Moustache Ride?

2007-11-06T20:50:00.001-05:00

Interviews are over, exams are coming up (and with them exam beards) and the other day I was walking down the hall and heard some kids planning a "No-Shave November." It seems like a perfect time for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a Rollie Fingers, to give all those aspiring 'stache artists a short lesson in facial hair.

The Pope
Also known as "The Walrus." The Pope lets people know that you are (1) large and (2) in charge. No seriously, in order to pull this thing off you have to weigh at least 220 pounds and you should probably be a warden, police officer, or bail bondsman. Works best if you have grey or white hair. This one is near and dear to me, since my dad has been sporting this look since the '70s.

The Super Mario
The moustache we all grew up loving, unless you grew up loving a hairless blue hedgehog, in which case I suggest you stop reading this blog, permanently. (Note: Do not stop reading this blog). You are only allowed to grow this if you (a) are Italian, (b) are Japanese (Mario's real homeland), or (c) have an extensive collection of red shirts and blue overalls in your wardrobe.

The Black Jesus
Everyone knows what White Jesus looks like, so there's no need to put a picture up and describe his beard. If you want to grow out the White Jesus Beard, I'm not here to stop you. But everyone knows that Jesus isn't white -- don't let Mel Gibson tell you otherwise -- so I'm putting up this picture for anyone who wants to look like the real Jesus. Apparently to be like the real Jesus you also have to have dreds and be ripped. This is a three-part look, so start prepping now.

The Octopus
You are probably wondering why this guy has only six "tentacles" on his beard instead of the eight required for a full-blown octopus. For your information, this old British guy lost two of the tentacles during World War II fighting the Krauts for the very freedom to have a moustache that you and I enjoy today. For shame. I recommend that all of our Army readers out there grow this moustache immediately to (1) scare the bejesus out of the terrorists and (2) to honor the memory of this old superpatriot.

The Cat Stevens
Also known as "The Yusef Islam," "The Richard Reid," "The Charles Manson," "The Matisyahu," "The Scorcese on Coke," "The Late John Lennon," "The Chewbacca," "Robin Williams' Knuckles" and "The Vagina Face." It is facial hair like this that shows that the terrorists have already won... the awesome facial hair contest. I was very sad to see them win it, but there isn't much I can do unless someone else steps up to the plate...

The Grizzly Adams
USA! USA! You didn't think I'd let the terrorists win. If you can pull this off, you are pretty much obligated to do so for the rest of us, and by "us" I mean "the US." You might want to stop shaving now, because it is going to take a long goddamn time to get there. The Grizzly Adams lets people know that you are the fucking man. If I saw you walking towards me, I would have to go to the other side of the street -- that would be just too much testosterone for the sidewalk. Take that terrorist scum.

Do You See How My Mind Works? It's Like A Laser!

2007-11-05T23:02:00.001-05:00

A Fly Moses has been holding it down, but he told me that the people were clamoring for H.R. Paperstacks, a/k/a The Easy Rider, so here I am. You may have become accustomed to cogent posts such as the one comparing the two greatest quarterbacks of our generation (unless you are old as fuck, which means you aren't part of my generation and you probably haven't read the post anyway because you've misplaced your reading glasses). Well, that's not how my posts are going to go down. You see that Willy Wonka movie? I'm talking about the semi-creepy Gene Wilder version from the '70s, not the extremely creepy Jonny Depp version. Me too. I liked it. Here's something else you might like:

I love Aqua Teen Hunger Force, even though the makers of the show have decided to alienate its fans by refusing to air a single new episode in 2007. Why do television shows do this? The geniuses behind The Wire were able to create the single greatest show in the history of television, but also decided not to air any new episodes between December 2006 and January 2008. I know greatness takes time, and at least I've been able to enjoy the return of The Boondocks and the tour de force that is Flight of the Conchords in the meantime, but you just cannot justify taking an entire year off. At any rate, I can forgive these indiscretions, but what I can't abide is the fact that first video game from the Aqua Teen franchise is only coming out for a defunct piece of shit system that I don't own.

Now I respect making a "hybrid kart-racing/fighting/golf game that takes place on some of New Jersey's golf courses." In fact, from the trailer, it looks like a game that I would really enjoy playing, a la Big Bumpin' (which is actually one of the most fun games for the original Xbox). I also respect the brilliant title. Anything with "Zombie" or "Ninja" superfluously in the title is probably going to be great. But only making the game for the PS2? Fuck that. I'm boycotting this franchise -- at least through the rest of 2007.

That's When Motherfuckers Accidentally Get Shot

2007-11-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

The debate about the relative merits of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady is played out, and there's probably not too much that we can add to it. It's also been obscured by the Patriots' development into arguably the most unlikeable team in modern sports. Not only did the media bend the definition of the term "dynasty" to accommodate a team that didn't even make the playoffs in 02-03, and not only was it shoved down our throats how they won "the right way," but in the aftermath of CameraGate, they somehow decided that it was the fault of the rest of the league; since the league didn't apologize to them, it was their personal mission to embarrass it (and although it's a different subject, it's no answer to say "you play for 60 minutes," when you're throwing on 4th-and-2 from the 37 yard line, up 45-0 with 7 minutes left in the game). But, digressing, we ain't ones to let the score speak for itself, so to the point:

Peyton Manning is aristocracy. His destiny was pre-determined for him; it's no accident that the networks actually managed to find footage of him playing football at age 3. He's the trust-fund-baby; establishment all the way. Compare this with Brady, an unheralded 6th-round pick out of Michigan, a bench-warmer who got his shot and made the most out of it. He's the little engine that could; the bedtime story you tell your child letting him know he can be whatever he wants. He's the frontier spirit embodied, in the American sport. Baseball is the pasttime, but football is the present. Baseball is Buddy Holly; football is Soulja Boy.

And this is what makes their careers so fascinating, especially the last few seasons. Brady, for all the we're-a-team-not-individuals-publicity the Patriots receive, is Hollywood, on and off the field. He's got the celebrity baby's-momma, the Gap ads, the supermodel girlfriend, and no matter what he says to try and dispel that image, the picture gives it away. And that's what he is on the field. He stands in the pocket for months at a time, cool, breeze. His spiral is tighter than Omar Little is with his shotgun. He makes everything look N'awlins (which it can be, when Randy Moss spends his Sundays telling Sir Isaac Newton where to shove his theories). And when he takes his helmet off on the sideline, he looks 10 seconds away from a photo shoot. He's Snoop/Dre G-Funk, lowriding his way to the record book.

For all his commercials (and even those are almost invariably of the goofy, common-man variety), Manning's game is anti-Hollywood. Nothing he does is smooth, and his game is as much intellectual as physical; he's Def Jux meets Gang Starr. He's got the happiest feet in the pocket this side of your DVD player, his passes wobble; nothing about his game, physically, looks like the prince of the league that he was born to be. He's got the arm strength, but he ain't no Jeff George. The signature of him on the sideline is the helmet-imprint on his forehead.

And this, really, is the reason that Manning is the alpha dog in the NFL, why he's all over your TV while Brady just stops by on Sundays. Manning's game has rejected his status as the favored son and made his name itself. We're talking Prince Akeem-leaving-Zamunda-for-Lisa McDowell, and if you ain't on the train, then George Bush will fucking bomb you. The two best facets of his game are beyond the physical: the way he out-mentals the defense pre-snap, and his absolutely uncanny feel for moving just enough in the pocket to avoid the blitz. These are skills he developed through perseverance, nothing natural and unearned. He's become the bedtime story, the folklore of the New American Dream. And when Brady makes it look so effortless, he's letting us all know that we ain't him, and we ain't never gonna be him. Gisele's probably not that into you, anyway.

The Bill Gates Donation Plan

2007-11-04T01:53:00.001-04:00

We here at Big Man Moves have no love for college football. It is the Don Swayze to the NFL's Patrick Swayze, only if Don also happened to have the film resume of R. Kelly. However, we aren't ones to miss the trees for the forest. And if there's one thing to be said for college football, it's this:

Teamwork, baby. We assume Bear Bryant would be proud.

What's Really Good?

2007-11-04T00:53:00.001-04:00

This is Big Man Moves. As the name suggests. We got sports, music, politics, scholarship, and other forms of entertainment. We're your neighborhood snowman, if the neighborhood is the internet, and you think of the above things as cocaine. Line up.